If the air masks ever did come down on a flight my first reaction after putting mine on (first, of course) will be looking around to see whose inflated… And if mine does? Oh man, you’re damn right I’ll be nudging the people around me to brag.
06:07 PM - Jun 23, 2023
When loading forks into the dishwasher, prongs up or prongs down?
09:49 PM - Jun 19, 2023
No wonder old people are always so scared; the only thing missed from AARP’s War-of-the-Worlds-esque summer mailer are “Kids on Lawn” and “Antifa”
06:54 PM - Jun 19, 2023
Wait, he kept his golf outfit in the same boxes as classified documents..?
Once again, to defend himself he has to argue he’s a moron unfit to be President.
Once again, to defend himself he has to argue he’s a moron unfit to be President.
06:47 PM - Jun 19, 2023
I got what I wanted for #FathersDay : Nothing. I did Nothing with the kids, meaning we did Nothing together, mostly on the couch. And then I took a nap, which is the Nothing of Somethings.
07:28 PM - Jun 18, 2023
I’m a pretty rational person, but if my hot coffee cools off* too much or my iced coffee warms up* too much my day is ruined**.
* amount of cooling or warming is subjective to the day, depending on a multitude of factors
** amount of ruining depends on ounces left in cup and quality of coffee
* amount of cooling or warming is subjective to the day, depending on a multitude of factors
** amount of ruining depends on ounces left in cup and quality of coffee
03:29 PM - Jun 18, 2023
I didn’t think the GOP could get sillier, but now they’re arguing a hotel bathroom is a safe place to hide classified documents…
“Honey, quit fiddling with the safe, just put the jewelry and passports next to the toilet!”
“Honey, quit fiddling with the safe, just put the jewelry and passports next to the toilet!”
10:01 AM - Jun 13, 2023
Trader Joe’s, you son-of-bitch, you’ve done it again!
12:59 PM - Jun 08, 2023
The fact that Renaissance Faires are real kind of blows my mind.
08:35 PM - Jun 04, 2023
5-year-old: Do you like my turtle?
Me: I sure do.
5: It has no eyes.
Me: No, it doesn’t.
5: That’s okay.
Me: Yeah.
Me: I sure do.
5: It has no eyes.
Me: No, it doesn’t.
5: That’s okay.
Me: Yeah.
10:29 PM - May 28, 2023
I’m tragically “I’m halfway through a story and realizing everyone’s already heard it and are politely not interrupting but it’d be awkward to just stop the story so I finish it pretending we all don’t know it’s a complete waste of time” years old.
09:08 PM - May 28, 2023
I fear we may have enabled our 5-year-old’s delusion a bit too much… Dude truly thinks he’s Batman, like to the point where I’m hiding the grappling hooks and checking the news in the morning to see if any crime was thwarted by a mysterious, tiny figure emerging from the shadows.
12:01 AM - May 18, 2023
Not that I expect to ever be in the situation, but I will never call someone “Your Highness.”
The only time I would ever call someone “Your Highness” is if my kids are playing King/Queen and I’m a farmer who’s come to court to plead for them to do something about the scoundrel stealing my goats.
The only time I would ever call someone “Your Highness” is if my kids are playing King/Queen and I’m a farmer who’s come to court to plead for them to do something about the scoundrel stealing my goats.
09:44 PM - May 07, 2023
Just had a nice parental moment; taught my five-year-old how to eat an in-shell peanut, he made a mess, it was really nice.
He was getting a little too cocky about it though, so thinking I may need to give him a nearly closed up pistachio to keep him grounded.
He was getting a little too cocky about it though, so thinking I may need to give him a nearly closed up pistachio to keep him grounded.
08:58 PM - May 03, 2023
What’s great about living in a country with so many mass shootings is I no longer get anxious about mass shootings; I’m just like, “Oh, Atlanta today, huh,” and take another bite of a taco. Think how scared people are in countries where dozens of people aren’t shot and killed a week… Ha, suckers.
02:29 PM - May 03, 2023
Took kids to high school baseball game, brought snacks and some kettle corn fell into some peanut butter, and, well…
08:56 PM - May 02, 2023
Five-Year-Old’s Groot Chia Pet Day ??: The lower part is growing perfectly, but the top of the head… Not so much. Seed mixture was probably too thick. I spread it out a bit and found lots of sprouts, hopefully they dry out and grow.
06:49 PM - May 02, 2023
You know what’s not on strike, my imagination…
…
…
…
…
…
Okay, give the writers whatever they want, shit’s scary in there, major plot holes too, and an unfortunate dance number. #WGA #writersstrike
…
…
…
…
…
Okay, give the writers whatever they want, shit’s scary in there, major plot holes too, and an unfortunate dance number. #WGA #writersstrike
12:59 PM - May 02, 2023
(Edited)
If/When you floss, do you floss before or after you brush your teeth?
15 votes
—
12:33 PM - May 02, 2023
As popular as it seems to be on menus, soup and salad is a terrible combination; soup and sandwich is a winner, sandwich and salad too. But soup? Nope. Now, gazpacho is a an exception. Gazpacho and salad can be a champ of a combo.
02:26 PM - Apr 30, 2023
Me: What are you doing, making art?
Five-year-old: Yeah. Superman does that sometimes; makes art.
Five-year-old: Yeah. Superman does that sometimes; makes art.
04:43 PM - Apr 29, 2023
Saw a story about someone getting shot and killed for using a leaf blower, and I was shocked it wasn’t in my town. The anti-leaf blower crowd is viscous. #EndBlowerism
09:57 PM - Apr 28, 2023
A conversation I just had with my kids:
5-year-old: Daddy, are people bigger than bottles?
Me: Bottles?
5 (points at a bottle shaped vase): Yeah.
Me: You can see that we’re bigger, right?
7-year-old: Sometimes you can answer your own answers.
5: I’m only five; I don’t know an lot about jars.
5-year-old: Daddy, are people bigger than bottles?
Me: Bottles?
5 (points at a bottle shaped vase): Yeah.
Me: You can see that we’re bigger, right?
7-year-old: Sometimes you can answer your own answers.
5: I’m only five; I don’t know an lot about jars.
11:10 AM - Apr 28, 2023
Who can finish this?
“Don’t push me, push a _______”
“Don’t push me, push a _______”
04:29 PM - Apr 25, 2023
Five-Year-Old’s Groot Chia Pet Day Nine: Our Chia Groot has entered puberty. I was getting a bit worried, but it turns out he was a late bloomer.
#IAmGroot
#IAmGroot
04:43 PM - Apr 22, 2023
Other parents: My kids are so smart… My kids are so athletic… My kids are playing Mozart on piano…
Me: My kids let me put sunscreen on them without any fuss.
Other parents: You win.
Me: My kids let me put sunscreen on them without any fuss.
Other parents: You win.
03:45 PM - Apr 22, 2023
Awesome, it’s the time of year when everyone seemingly loves jogging. Jerks.
06:41 PM - Apr 21, 2023
It’s amazing how quickly I went from “will this gloomy weather ever end” to “ugh, where’s the shade”
01:21 PM - Apr 21, 2023
