09:45 AM - Jul 07, 2023
“Taylor Swift” [noun / TAY-lor SWIH-ft]: A tradesperson who can alter silken blouses at an exceptionally quick pace.
mcsweeneys.net
02:09 PM - Jul 03, 2023
"Crockpot ($43.99) – Some people will say that gifts should not shape the legal future of this country. Those people have never used a crockpot."
mcsweeneys.net
02:15 PM - Jun 23, 2023
"I stayed three nights in a modest one-room unit at the Emperor Blofeld Lodge, which was a comfortable but rustic facility. As I recall, the meals were homestyle fare, consisting of the flesh of an unnamed animal dipped entirely in gold."
mcsweeneys.net
Even If I Had Been Aware of Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s Connection to Those Supreme Court Cases, My Recusal Would Not Have Been Required or Appropriate - McSweeney’s..
“Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. took issue with questions raised by the investigative journalism outlet ProPublica about his travel wit...
08:25 PM - Jun 22, 2023
Bon Iver: Perhaps the most accurate term to apply to your situation is “seriously injured and lost in the woods.”
05:10 PM - Jun 18, 2023
"Queasy Dan."
01:47 PM - Jun 15, 2023
"I implore you to weigh the consequences of your actions. You are damning yourself to a wretched eternity of opening all email and Slack links in Apple’s Safari browser. And that is to speak nothing of the hexes."
mcsweeneys.net
Would You Like to Set Google Chrome as Your Default Browser, or Would You Prefer Centuries of Untold Pain and Torment? - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Would you like to set Google Chrome as your default browser on this device? I ask again because I observed the extreme dismissiveness with which yo...
02:42 PM - Jun 13, 2023
I AM AN INNOCENT MAN.
I SAY IT EVERY TIME I’M ACCUSED OF A CRIME.
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
BUT THEY DON’T BELIEVE ME.
SO YOU NEED TO HELP PROVE I’M INNOCENT BY SENDING ME $100 VIA CASH, CHECK, OR MONEY ORDER IMMEDIATELY.
I SAY IT EVERY TIME I’M ACCUSED OF A CRIME.
THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.
BUT THEY DON’T BELIEVE ME.
SO YOU NEED TO HELP PROVE I’M INNOCENT BY SENDING ME $100 VIA CASH, CHECK, OR MONEY ORDER IMMEDIATELY.
02:48 PM - Jun 09, 2023
"I used to only care about wearing fabulous shoes and attending fabulous parties with fabulous friends and breathing fabulous air. But now I found myself caring about not dying in an apocalyptic hellscape. After all, hazmat suits and Manolos don’t exactly mix."
09:54 AM - Jun 08, 2023
"Just imagine, Sarah, our own row house, the very same one we rented for five years for seven hundred dollars per month before the owner evicted us to sell to a developer. Only this time, Sarah, the shag carpets will have been replaced with the finest and most homogenous gray composite flooring."
mcsweeneys.net
Someday, Sarah, Our Ship Will Come in and We’ll Move Back to the Neighborhood We Used to Live in Before We Got Priced Out - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Someday, Sarah, our ship will come in, and I’ll buy you a diamond as big as your eye and a mink coat to rival any movie star. And then, Sarah, I’ll...
11:33 AM - May 24, 2023
"You’re going to get the best night’s sleep of your life. The sharp sticks and rocks poking through the bottom of the tent will imprint into your already aching back like they're nature’s acupuncture."
05:41 PM - May 19, 2023
- The top half of a mouse, gently shredded
- The cream cheese off a bagel
- Moth
- The cream cheese off a bagel
- Moth
08:28 AM - May 18, 2023
KETO DIET.
Pros: Finally put all those leftover mayonnaise packets to use; weekly grocery shopping can eventually be replaced by a single Arby’s party platter and a bag of almonds.
Cons: Excruciating bowel movements once every six days; scurvy.
Pros: Finally put all those leftover mayonnaise packets to use; weekly grocery shopping can eventually be replaced by a single Arby’s party platter and a bag of almonds.
Cons: Excruciating bowel movements once every six days; scurvy.
11:39 AM - May 16, 2023
"As a free speech absolutist, only death could stop me from defending the rights of Twitter users to speak without censorship. Well, either death or a request from an autocratic leader asking that I censor certain content that could be sensitive for their regime. Whichever comes first."
10:17 AM - May 15, 2023
Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”
Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.
Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.
05:22 PM - May 13, 2023
"I’m not the only one who’s facing this problem either. Farmers who bring one fox, one chicken, and one bag of seed face extremely similar issues, as do those with a lion, a sheep, and three carrots."
10:08 AM - May 10, 2023
GWENDOLYN (squeaking in frustration): But I have given you the Love Potion!
MARY ELLEN: I love this goat.
Mary Ellen holds the goat to her busty bosom.
MARY ELLEN: I ate the love potion and looked at a goat. Now I love this goat.
GWENDOLYN: Oh, what a situation.
MARY ELLEN: I love this goat.
Mary Ellen holds the goat to her busty bosom.
MARY ELLEN: I ate the love potion and looked at a goat. Now I love this goat.
GWENDOLYN: Oh, what a situation.
11:34 AM - May 06, 2023
"On a seafood diet, I am. Food I see; eat it I do."
08:12 PM - May 04, 2023
"If killing one universally beloved cultural symbol isn’t enough, I’ll use my pudding-slick fingers to choke every character that brought even a glimmer of joy to your childhood, even if that means snuffing Snow White, asphyxiating Ariel, or throttling Tinker Bell."
08:55 AM - May 04, 2023
"We ask that you pray for us to find the strength to heal, the energy to move forward, and the engagement for this post to reach at least five million views."
01:56 PM - May 01, 2023
“Is he really an emotionally evolved self-aware incarnation of soft masculinity come to Earth fully formed? Or am I just looking at the end result of years and years of tedious, thankless, burnout-inducing toil performed by the long line of women he’s dated?”
mcsweeneys.net
Is He the Perfect Man or Is He Just a Result of the Painstaking Emotional Labor Performed by Every Woman He’s Ever Dated? - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
He listens when you speak, he appears to understand his privilege and complex power dynamics, and he’s never once lectured you about a Paul Thomas ...
02:35 PM - Apr 28, 2023
“You Have Nothing to Worry About”
I don’t believe you.
You laid off half the workforce.
Should I ignore this?
I don’t believe you.
You laid off half the workforce.
Should I ignore this?
01:44 PM - Apr 27, 2023
"Why wouldn’t I be laughing alone with this bowl of salad? Human females have been laughing alone with salad since the dawn of time."
07:55 PM - Apr 26, 2023
"Ever since the school started promoting Bible study, it’s been nonstop questions from our nine-year-old. 'Daddy, what’s a harlot?' 'Daddy, what’s spilling your seed?'"
09:38 PM - Apr 25, 2023
Q: Are the snakes big?
A: We have lots of different snakes. The quality of your work determines which snake you will fight. The better your thesis is, the smaller the snake will be.
A: We have lots of different snakes. The quality of your work determines which snake you will fight. The better your thesis is, the smaller the snake will be.
12:36 PM - Apr 25, 2023
"I'm an adult. I can do what I want. I need a break from Zoom meetings and 'circling back' and re-submitting receipts for my dental X-rays to BlueCross. I need a big-ass slice of perfectly moist vanilla cake with rainbow sprinkles inside slathered with vanilla frosting."
07:34 PM - Apr 24, 2023
"People deserve to buy a home at a price they can afford, a price that will somehow also cover my entire initial investment, three decades' worth of repairs and home improvements, and allow me to purchase a new condo in an expensive coastal city."
09:57 AM - Apr 24, 2023
1. Your new friends Bob and Rita come to lunch and you serve them idlis, like your grandmother used to make.
2. They love your South Indian cooking and ask for the recipe.
3. You never hear from Rita and Bob again.
4. You read in the Guardian about Rita and Bob’s new Idli bar… called “Idli.”
2. They love your South Indian cooking and ask for the recipe.
3. You never hear from Rita and Bob again.
4. You read in the Guardian about Rita and Bob’s new Idli bar… called “Idli.”
09:37 PM - Apr 21, 2023
EVERYTHING IS A THREAT
SHOOT FIRST, WITH BLAM!™
THE MINOR INCONVENIENCE IN YOUR LIFE DESERVES TO DIE
BECAUSE AMERICA ISN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE
DRAG QUEENS READ BOOKS TO CHILDREN
THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE
CHILDREN DESERVE A WHOLESOME UPBRINGING
SO YOU CAN SHOOT THEM AS THEY KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR
SHOOT FIRST, WITH BLAM!™
THE MINOR INCONVENIENCE IN YOUR LIFE DESERVES TO DIE
BECAUSE AMERICA ISN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE
DRAG QUEENS READ BOOKS TO CHILDREN
THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE
CHILDREN DESERVE A WHOLESOME UPBRINGING
SO YOU CAN SHOOT THEM AS THEY KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR
08:21 PM - Apr 20, 2023
