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My “safe word” is, “get the fuck off me.” 🤣🤣🤣
12:08 AM - Apr 30, 2023
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A friend who works at the CIA told me they're replacing waterboarding with Trump speaking on a video loop.
12:05 AM - Apr 30, 2023
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Donald Trump is the Ted Nugent of presidents - a draft dodging pedophile with a couple hits that once drew crowds, but now only excites old white morons.
10:58 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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From Missouri, the “Show Me State.”
10:57 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Don't judge me for supporting entrepreurialism.
10:55 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Donald Trump will be attending Prince Charles' coronation, but incognito.
10:54 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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If taking 40mg gummies causes short term memory loss what does taking 40mg gummies cause?
10:53 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Trampolines used to be called “jumpolines” until Marjorie Taylor Greene jumped on one.
08:26 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Why hit the gym to relieve stress when you can just hit the people who cause the stress and avoid the gym altogether?
08:25 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Republicans will look carefully, weigh the options, and then decide a pussy-grabbing illiterate psychopath who can't formulate a coherent thought deserves another 4 years so his grifting family and cronies can slurp at the public trough.
08:24 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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We could avoid a lot of unpleasantness if Biden just declared martial law and serves a second term without all the hassle of an election.
08:22 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Daughter: "Mom, is there anything that you really hated as a kid but now love?"
Me: "Getting spanked."
08:19 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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The Greeks invented the threesome but it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
08:19 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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[babysitting my four year old niece]

Me: “What are you drawing?”
Niece: “I’m drawing a picture of God.”
Me: “But nobody knows what God looks like.”
Niece: [brightly] “They will in a minute.”
08:18 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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I'd sooner mate outside my species than date a Republican.
08:18 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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[police sobriety check]

Me: "When I put it in my mouth do you want me to look into your eyes?"
Cop: "Ma'am, just blow into the breathalyzer please."
08:17 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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I noticed tonight at dinner that people who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
08:16 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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I'm smarter than you're.
08:11 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Even though they're pretty small my boobs help me avoid having unwanted eye contact.
08:11 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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A neighbor's house with a Trump sign on the lawn was on fire this morning so I stopped by and flirted with the firemen.
08:09 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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I'm pretty open-minded about trying new sex things but I draw the line at anything I wouldn't want to explain to paramedics.
08:08 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Someone painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on Hollywood Boulevard but the cops don't know if it was a supporter or an opponent.
08:07 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Fun fact: the counties Biden won account for 70% of the GDP of the US. The counties that went for Trump are the biggest drain on the economy and tout themselves as being rugged individualists while practicing what amounts to socialism.
08:06 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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The worst part about being an atheist is having no one to talk with while you’re having an orgasm.
08:05 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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So long as Republican men exist, the abortion pill needs to remain legal.
08:04 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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The war in Ukraine is going so badly that, along with several congressmen, Tucker Carlson was laid off yesterday by Vladimir Putin.
08:02 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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I'm sure whoever gets Tucker's slot will be a Great Replacement.
08:02 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Johns Hopkins says this girl is cancer-free two years!
07:59 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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When I was a little girl in the 1980s I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have Spoutible then.
07:59 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Why hasn’t Fox News come out with a statement that Tucker Carlson wasn’t fired for being a suspected pedophile? I’m just asking a question.
07:58 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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