James Gamble
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*shopping for clothes*

In my 20s: I want to look good.
In my 30s: I want to be sensible.
In my 40s: I don't want to feel any fabric pressing into my body anywhere.
08:56 AM - Apr 29, 2024
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James Gamble
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I don't know why men go to bars to meet women. Go to Target. The female-to-male ratio is 10:1, and they're already looking for stuff they don't need.
06:20 PM - Apr 26, 2024
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James Gamble
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Tolkien describes evil places: "No trees grow there."
09:37 AM - Apr 23, 2024
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James Gamble
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The phrase "take a hike" is fantastic because it's dismissive yet constructive.
09:25 AM - Apr 22, 2024
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James Gamble
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It's called soda, not pop. Everyone knows this.
09:52 AM - Apr 18, 2024
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James Gamble
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Top Ten Best Cat Breeds

1) Dumpster Blessing
2) Freelance Tender Loaf
3) Gutter Angel
4) Just Showed Up One Day
5) Barn Ghost
6) Royal Trash Goblin
7) Snack Master General
8) Le Slinkus
9) Crusty Sea Captain
10) Classic Potato
09:57 AM - Apr 17, 2024
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James Gamble
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It's a terrible feeling when you have to tell the person you love that you've already seen the meme they're showing you.
10:00 AM - Apr 16, 2024
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James Gamble
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Me, learning about OJ Simpson for the first time: Holy cow, are you serious? Wow... 143 yards per game?!
09:31 AM - Apr 12, 2024
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James Gamble
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HP Printer Engineer: We've designed it so that whenever there's a problem of any kind, we communicate to the user through an indecipherable series of colored lights, and they all look really similar.

HP CEO: Perfect! You're getting a promotion.
09:45 AM - Apr 11, 2024
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James Gamble
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Remember when the FBI would threaten you at the beginning of every VHS tape? That was pretty cool.
09:23 AM - Apr 10, 2024
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James Gamble
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The real flex is just being yourself in a world where people live for an image.
09:18 AM - Apr 09, 2024
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James Gamble
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Marry someone who says:

-I love you.
-I'm proud of you.
-I'm grateful for you.
-Yes, we can have more soup.
-No, three soups in a day isn't too much.
-Yes, I can make you soup again.
-No, 12 AM isn't too late to have soup.
09:23 AM - Apr 08, 2024
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James Gamble
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Someone on this earth doesn't know that this is their very last week with a fully functioning and undamaged 2007 Hyundai Sonata.
10:49 AM - Apr 06, 2024
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James Gamble
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I love the concept of an encore. The band leaves the stage, and the crowd says, "Wait, you haven't played your three most popular songs yet!" and the band is like, "BEG FOR THEM!"
08:50 AM - Apr 05, 2024
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James Gamble
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Why do long meetings exist? Are you telling me that the 90 minutes it took you to give a rundown are the same 90 minutes it took Shrek to take down the monarchy AND learn to dissolve his emotional barriers so he could welcome people into his life? Grow up.
09:06 AM - Apr 04, 2024
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James Gamble
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Making large purchases on a phone is crazy. Those are laptop activities.
09:16 AM - Apr 03, 2024
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James Gamble
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I wouldn't want to be around Gollum on the fifth day of Christmas.
08:39 AM - Apr 02, 2024
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James Gamble
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Do y'all blow on food when it's hot, or do you hashafashasha until you can chew it?
08:59 AM - Apr 01, 2024
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James Gamble
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Animal crackers are great if you don't eat meat but still want to feel the violent thrill of consuming one of God's creatures.
09:07 AM - Mar 29, 2024
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James Gamble
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I was today years old when I learned that "slang" is short for "short language." Hi, I live in a cave.
07:26 AM - Mar 28, 2024
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James Gamble
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Do you know how pantry shelves are a specific size? What if we make our family-sized boxes a little bigger than that?

Cereal Executive: First of all, I love it...
09:35 AM - Mar 27, 2024
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James Gamble
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They say that every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes. I did the math, and apparently, I died in 1647.
09:47 AM - Mar 26, 2024
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James Gamble
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If we were bears, we could be sleeping through all this nonsense right now. But nooooo, let's push BUTTONS and drink out of CUPS.
09:52 AM - Mar 25, 2024
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James Gamble
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Don't let anyone pressure you out of ordering chicken tenders and fries at a seafood restaurant. You are valid.
08:52 AM - Mar 23, 2024
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James Gamble
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"When one door closes, another door opens." -Boeing
09:22 AM - Mar 22, 2024
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James Gamble
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Me: I like straws, but I also want to help the environment.

Inventor of the Paper Straw: What if I told you that you could do neither?
10:00 AM - Mar 21, 2024
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Penguicon
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We're hosting an online auction to help us cover expenses for Penguicon 2024. You can check it out here: https://givebutter.com/c/U...
11:27 AM - Mar 20, 2024
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James Gamble
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I love being a cat owner. They're such easy pets to... STOP ATTACKING THE CURTAINS! ...take care of... QUIT EATING THE PLASTIC BAG, YOU ALMOST DIED LAST TIME! ...but like I was saying, very low maintenance pets.
09:01 AM - Mar 19, 2024
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James Gamble
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I'm not convinced that the "defrost" or "bagel" settings on my toaster actually do anything. The toaster does the same thing regardless.
09:55 AM - Mar 18, 2024
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James Gamble
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When acting as Mater in Cars, do you think Larry the Cable Guy put something extra special into his "Git-R-Duns," or were they just regular "Git-R-Duns?"
06:52 PM - Mar 17, 2024
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