James Gamble
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I love having a routine. It's like, oh, we're doing yesterday again? Ok...
09:14 AM - Feb 27, 2024
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James Gamble
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OK, everyone, I need your help. I'm thinking of throwing away my box of cables. You know what I speak of. Will I regret this?
09:01 AM - Feb 26, 2024
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James Gamble
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This "influencer" thing everyone is trying to do is getting old. The same styles, same videos, same everything. It's weird and boring.
03:30 PM - Feb 24, 2024
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James Gamble
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[Me, at a wine tasting]

*swirls glass*

*sniffs*

*sips slowly*

*stares off into the distance*

"...Ahh, yes... This is, in fact, wine."
09:05 AM - Feb 23, 2024
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James Gamble
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You can tell when it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.
09:16 AM - Feb 22, 2024
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James Gamble
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*stomps feet twice and claps repeatedly until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "We will, we will miss you..." *stomp, stomp, clap*
10:04 AM - Feb 21, 2024
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James Gamble
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Just because you're going five miles over the speed limit doesn't mean you can hog the left lane. Some of us are serious about breaking the law.
08:49 AM - Feb 20, 2024
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James Gamble
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What I thought I would say as a parent: "You're going to change the world."

What I actually say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."
09:37 AM - Feb 19, 2024
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James Gamble
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Me, after my first kid: Screen time is terrible. I will raise you to appreciate wooden blocks and your imagination.

Me, after the second kid: The Wiggles are your parents now.
08:38 AM - Feb 16, 2024
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James Gamble
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Them: What's it like raising two boys?

Me: I have a 12ft ceiling in my living room with chili on it.
08:39 AM - Feb 15, 2024
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James Gamble
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Happy "half off on heart-shaped chocolate so stores can start putting out Easter stuff" eve.
08:39 AM - Feb 14, 2024
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James Gamble
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I do not want to be warm. I want to be cold and then made warm by a blanket. Why is this difficult to understand?
08:36 AM - Feb 13, 2024
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James Gamble
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The first few notes of "Yeah" by Usher are like sleeper agent trigger words that activate older millennials.
08:44 AM - Feb 12, 2024
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James Gamble
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[To the tune of "Eleanor Rigby"]

Tony Soprano
New Jersey mobster who cares for the
ducks by the pool
loves Gobagool
08:26 AM - Feb 11, 2024
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James Gamble
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You don't become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way to be cool in the first place. This is called the Geezer's Paradox.
09:53 AM - Feb 08, 2024
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James Gamble
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Union Lawyer: You gave them breaks, right?

Willy Wonka: Yeah, and during their breaks, they sang some fun songs I made them write.

Union Lawyer: This doesn't look good for you.
08:42 AM - Feb 02, 2024
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James Gamble
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I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's part of the food! It's fantastic, even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the pineapple.
08:43 AM - Jan 31, 2024
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James Gamble
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Nice book. It's too bad it was all plagiarized from the dictionary.
08:47 AM - Jan 30, 2024
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James Gamble
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Me: "One time, I farted so long I was surprised that my butt didn't have to stop to catch its breath."

Interviewer: "...and a weakness?"
04:09 PM - Jan 29, 2024
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James Gamble
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The first person to shoot at fish in a barrel was probably like, "I don't even know how to describe how easy this is."
08:28 AM - Jan 26, 2024
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James Gamble
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"Yes, chef!" I passionately say while delicately pouring the chicken flavor packet over my ramen.
09:19 AM - Jan 25, 2024
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James Gamble
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This January isn't Januarying like the other Januaryes Januaryed.
01:57 PM - Jan 24, 2024
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James Gamble
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Be wary of people who offer advice that they don't heed themselves.
05:00 PM - Jan 23, 2024
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James Gamble
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Being an adult means that every few days, you must spend $20. Even if you don't think you need anything, the univerise will manifest something for you to spend $20 on. All must pay.
09:26 AM - Jan 23, 2024
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James Gamble
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Dear Taco Trucks, please go through our neighborhoods like ice cream trucks.
09:18 AM - Jan 22, 2024
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James Gamble
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*it begins to rain*
Cotton Farmer: Finally!
Cotton Candy Farmer: *running towards his fields* Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no...
09:07 AM - Jan 16, 2024
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James Gamble
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To accurately represent each country's athletic skill, the Olympics should select citizens at random, like jury duty, to compete. "Who's next on the balance beam for the US? Is it Simone Biles? Nope, it's 39-year-old electrician Dale. Wow, he does NOT look confident."
08:26 AM - Jan 12, 2024
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James Gamble
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Coffee should be free for anyone who makes noise when they stand up.
10:13 AM - Jan 11, 2024
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James Gamble
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If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie Up, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up. However, in doing so, he lets you down. Thus creating the Astley Paradox.
09:17 AM - Jan 08, 2024
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James Gamble
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Wife: This cheese goes hard.
Me: Heck yeah, it does!
Wife: No, I mean, you have to put it back in the packet, or it gets too hard.
12:32 PM - Jan 06, 2024
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