3 Threaded Spouts
5 pretty good tweets of yore:
RunwayDan
I can't imagine calling the mission "impossible" did a lot for morale.
amandajpanda
I'm going to go buy a piñata. I'm full of rage and I want candy.
RunwayDan
I can't imagine calling the mission "impossible" did a lot for morale.
amandajpanda
I'm going to go buy a piñata. I'm full of rage and I want candy.
12:52 PM - May 05, 2024
3 Threaded Spouts
5 pretty good tweets of yore:
RdrJay47
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
bananafitz
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
RdrJay47
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
bananafitz
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
03:24 PM - May 04, 2024
5 Threaded Spouts
8 pretty good tweets of yore:
philistella
Would you like your alarm clock to be INEXPLICABLY HEAVY and full of KNIVES? Consider: CAT.
philistella
Would you like your alarm clock to be INEXPLICABLY HEAVY and full of KNIVES? Consider: CAT.
12:31 PM - May 03, 2024
4 Threaded Spouts
4 pretty good tweets of yore:
samuel_pollen
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer.
samuel_pollen
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer.
10:40 AM - May 01, 2024
2 Threaded Spouts
3 pretty good tweets of yore:
dadsaysjokes
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
KentWGraham
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
dadsaysjokes
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
KentWGraham
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
11:07 AM - Apr 30, 2024
"The most radical thing we can do is introduce people to one another." - unknown (to me, anyway)
11:01 AM - Apr 30, 2024
4 Threaded Spouts
4 pretty good tweets of yore:
JerryThomas
Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they're on break.
batkaren
The diet’s simple—it’s just a piece of cake for breakfast, a piece of cake for lunch, a sensible dinner, and a double-sized piece of cake for dessert.
Results may vary.
JerryThomas
Every time I see a chameleon, I assume they're on break.
batkaren
The diet’s simple—it’s just a piece of cake for breakfast, a piece of cake for lunch, a sensible dinner, and a double-sized piece of cake for dessert.
Results may vary.
11:18 AM - Apr 19, 2024
7 Threaded Spouts
8 pretty good tweets of yore:
krisv_723
Sorry I asked your mother to show me her sarcophagus. In my defense, maybe she should take a break from tanning.
Gre_Gone
My spirit animal is a dolphin choking on the plastic ring from a 6 pack of Bud Light.
krisv_723
Sorry I asked your mother to show me her sarcophagus. In my defense, maybe she should take a break from tanning.
Gre_Gone
My spirit animal is a dolphin choking on the plastic ring from a 6 pack of Bud Light.
11:19 AM - Apr 18, 2024
5 Threaded Spouts
9 pretty good tweets of yore:
mattzollerseitz
The USA is a divorced couple that still has to share a house.
frenchielaboozi
happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation in the corner of my room
shariv67
"Alexa, call for help!"
"Searching for kelp."
mattzollerseitz
The USA is a divorced couple that still has to share a house.
frenchielaboozi
happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation in the corner of my room
shariv67
"Alexa, call for help!"
"Searching for kelp."
12:02 PM - Apr 17, 2024
3 Threaded Spouts
5 pretty good tweets of yore:
williamader
The late worm avoids the early bird.
Disalmanac
UPDATE: According to a new Arizona law, a woman is considered pregnant a full two weeks before she listens to a Marvin Gaye album.
williamader
The late worm avoids the early bird.
Disalmanac
UPDATE: According to a new Arizona law, a woman is considered pregnant a full two weeks before she listens to a Marvin Gaye album.
12:27 PM - Apr 16, 2024
7 Threaded Spouts
10 pretty good tweets of yore:
Elizasoul80
[in traffic] "this is unbearable" I say from a temperature controlled pod that plays my favorite music and allows me to lock out others.
Tommytoughstuff
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Elizasoul80
[in traffic] "this is unbearable" I say from a temperature controlled pod that plays my favorite music and allows me to lock out others.
Tommytoughstuff
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
01:30 PM - Apr 15, 2024
7 Threaded Spouts
13 pretty good tweets of yore:
robwalton30
Cracker Barrel is trending.
I can walk into ANY Cracker Barrel in the U.S. and be the only guy who didn't witness Germany surrender.
Lance_Said_This
This stupid china shop won't let me bring in my emotional support bull.
robwalton30
Cracker Barrel is trending.
I can walk into ANY Cracker Barrel in the U.S. and be the only guy who didn't witness Germany surrender.
Lance_Said_This
This stupid china shop won't let me bring in my emotional support bull.
05:33 PM - Apr 14, 2024
7 Threaded Spouts
10 pretty good tweets of yore:
@UncleDynamite
You think you're the straightest man in the world, & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating through the speakers at free skate.
@UncleDynamite
You think you're the straightest man in the world, & then "Stayin' Alive" comes pulsating through the speakers at free skate.
12:53 PM - Apr 13, 2024
4 Threaded Spouts
6 pretty good tweets of yore:
ComedicBust
I have the body of a 25 year old couch.
sixthformpoet
I say potato, you say 100% organic Jersey Royals, served dauphinoise-style. You've changed.
ComedicBust
I have the body of a 25 year old couch.
sixthformpoet
I say potato, you say 100% organic Jersey Royals, served dauphinoise-style. You've changed.
11:16 AM - Apr 12, 2024
4 Threaded Spouts
6 pretty good tweets of yore:
thenatewolf
"Good luck with your little skits!"
- Shakespeare's mom.
Underchilde
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
thenatewolf
"Good luck with your little skits!"
- Shakespeare's mom.
Underchilde
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
12:18 PM - Apr 11, 2024
3 Threaded Spouts
"In my own worst seasons I've come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress.
12:14 PM - Apr 11, 2024
3 Threaded Spouts
An interesting historical tidbit:
When Medicare was introduced in 1965, it required that hospitals be fully integrated, racially, in order to receive Medicare reimbursements. This resulted in about a thousand hospitals quickly (and often quietly) integrating, within four months.
When Medicare was introduced in 1965, it required that hospitals be fully integrated, racially, in order to receive Medicare reimbursements. This resulted in about a thousand hospitals quickly (and often quietly) integrating, within four months.
12:12 PM - Apr 11, 2024
6 Threaded Spouts
11 pretty good tweets of yore:
WilliamAder
My body pillow has moved into the guest room.
ShelbyWhite
"I’m gonna get a tattoo that says 'Helvetica', written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her.
WilliamAder
My body pillow has moved into the guest room.
ShelbyWhite
"I’m gonna get a tattoo that says 'Helvetica', written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her.
11:54 AM - Apr 10, 2024
6 Threaded Spouts
Some pretty good tweets of yore:
darksidedeb
Turns out the silver lining was just duct tape.
callie_mt
Apple Watch: looks like you’re working out
Me, putting my comforter back in the duvet cover: 😐
Diversion50
"Donald Duck!"
darksidedeb
Turns out the silver lining was just duct tape.
callie_mt
Apple Watch: looks like you’re working out
Me, putting my comforter back in the duvet cover: 😐
Diversion50
"Donald Duck!"
10:43 AM - Apr 09, 2024
6 Threaded Spouts
12 pretty good tweets of yore:
Leemanish
"GOD, DAD! YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FASCIST!"
-Caitlin Mussolini
Mcgourty22N
Lady just asked me what "mansplaining" is. I think it's a trap. We've been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.
Leemanish
"GOD, DAD! YOU'RE SUCH A HUGE FASCIST!"
-Caitlin Mussolini
Mcgourty22N
Lady just asked me what "mansplaining" is. I think it's a trap. We've been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.
12:08 PM - Apr 08, 2024
5 Threaded Spouts
9 pretty good tweets of yore:
@ElieNYC
Me: How come we don't have any rich friends who take us on vacation?
Wife: Do you remember how you treated those people in college and law school?
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Wife: "They deserve to be eaten" you said. "Their tears make me strong" you said.
@ElieNYC
Me: How come we don't have any rich friends who take us on vacation?
Wife: Do you remember how you treated those people in college and law school?
Me: Oh. Yeah.
Wife: "They deserve to be eaten" you said. "Their tears make me strong" you said.
03:39 PM - Apr 07, 2024
