Experts Blame ‘Jaws’ For Transforming Public Perception Of Great White Sharks From Lovable Household Pet To Bloodthirsty Killer
LONG ISLAND, NY—Decrying the stigma the film attached to a once-beloved species of fish, experts at the Coastal Research and Education Society released a report Tuesday blaming the 1975 blockbuster Jaws for transforming the public’s perception of great white sharks from lovable household pets t..
Florida Students Locked In Decontamination Chamber After Exposure To Book
NAPLES, FL—Warning that the dangerous contaminant could have easily killed someone if the proper precautions had not been taken, students at a Florida high school were reportedly locked in a decontamination chamber Friday after exposure to a book. “On Friday morning at approximately 8:02 a.m., one o..
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
LEWISTON, ME—In the hours following a violent rampage in Maine in which a lone attacker killed at least 16 individuals and injured numerous others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent..
Rural America Becomes Cybernetic Metropolis After Gaining Access To High-Speed Internet
WASHINGTON—After the nation’s vast stretches of countryside were replaced almost overnight by sprawling, futuristic cityscapes, government officials confirmed Wednesday that programs aimed at bringing high-speed internet to underserved areas had turned rural America into a cybernetic metropolis. “As..
Report: Free Dead Bodies Buried Underground Seemingly For The Taking
CHARLOTTE, SC—Alerting the public to “the deal of the century,” sources confirmed Monday that a number of free dead bodies buried underground were seemingly there for the taking. “None of these headstones have price tags, so I’m guessing they’re just giving away these corpses,” said bargain hunte..
Members Of Taylor Swift’s Squad Explain What They Think Of Travis Kelce
Taylor Swift has a notoriously rich, famous, and glamorous group of friends most commonly referred to as her “squad.” The Onion asked current and former squad members what they thought of her new romance with football player Travis Kelce, and this is what they said.
Pros And Cons Of Keeping Senile Politicians In Office
The recent death of Sen. Dianne Feinstein following a prolonged period of evident cognitive decline has put the spotlight on other public officials who may face similar issues, including Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and President Joe Biden. The Onion exa..
Sex Moves You Should Never Try To Copy From Porn
Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you see on screen, never try to copy these moves from porn.
Hamburger Helper Unveils New Line Of Erotic Casseroles Meant To Be Eaten Off Naked Body
CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. “No date night would be complete without Ha..
Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden
WASHINGTON—Delivering a jubilant address to the American people, a triumphant President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that the United States had killed a man who kind of looked like Osama bin Laden. “I am proud to stand before you and report that the U.S. Special Operations Command has carried out a..
Couple Pities Man Eating Alone Instead Of In Complete Silence With Person He Can’t Stand Anymore
TOLEDO, OH—Finding themselves distracted and unable to enjoy their meal, local couple Monica and Kyle Hulud told reporters Wednesday they pitied the man at Rosie’s Italian Grille who was eating alone instead of in complete silence with a person he couldn’t stand anymore. “Poor guy has to have dinner..
Nobel Prize In Physics Awarded To God
STOCKHOLM—Honoring the deity’s transformational and enduring contributions to the scientific field, the 2023 Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded Monday to God, our Creator, who devised the Heavens and the Earth in all their brilliance. “This prize recognizes the Lord’s foundational work in developing..
Snickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
CARMEL, IN—Struggling to keep a straight face while addressing the Republican candidate, snickering teen angels reportedly appeared before Mike Pence Friday to tell him it was totally God’s will that he keep running for president. “God told us to tell you that He needs you to be commander-in-chief, ..
NFL Introduces New Helmet Designed To Protect Players’ Wives
NEW YORK—Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players’ wives. “These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows and to protect the faces of our players’ wives, girlfriends, mistr..
Man Ultimately Grateful He Chose To Go To Friend’s Wedding Instead Of Capitol Riot
WESTERVILLE, OH—Saying he would always wish he could have been in two places at once on Jan. 6, 2021, local man Dennis Karpinsky told reporters Tuesday he was ultimately grateful he chose to go to his high school friend Henry Hardwick’s wedding instead of the Capitol riot. “At first, when I saw how ..
‘They Made Her Way Less Hot,’ Complains Conservative Pundit Looking At Picture Of His Mom
ORLANDO, FL—Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality, local conservative pundit James Hughes posted an online rant Thursday complaining that “they made her way less hot” while looking at a photo of his mom. “It’s disgusting, for years she ..
ICE Agent Torturing Migrants Moved By Resiliency Of Human Spirit
WINNFIELD, LA—Reflecting that the experience taught him more about what it is to be alive than he had ever thought possible, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Anthony Sanford told reporters Wednesday that torturing detained migrants had left him moved by the resiliency of the human spirit. “..
Police Talk Man Down From Edge Of Climaxing
CLEVELAND—Rushing into action mere moments before the situation reached a point of no return, heroic police officer Samuel Esposito reportedly talked a man down Tuesday from the edge of climaxing. “Sir, before you do something drastic that we all regret, I’m asking you put down your penis and step a..
Aide Pulls Several Wet Pages Of Bill Out Of Dianne Feinstein’s Mouth
WASHINGTON—Trying to dislodge the saliva-covered documents without tearing them on the senator’s teeth, Senate aide Austin Shear reportedly pulled several wet pages out of Dianne Feinstein’s mouth Friday. “No, Dianne, that’s very bad—drop it!” said Shear, who stuck his fingers between Feinstein’s li..
Old Guy At Skatepark Won’t Shut Up About Time He Was Considered Future Of Democratic Party
EL PASO—Telling the same story over and over again about the “good old days” at the top of the polls, an old guy at the skatepark Thursday reportedly wouldn’t shut up about the time he was considered the future of the Democratic party, according to witnesses. “There’s always one old guy hanging arou..
Widower Encouraged To Get Back Out There And Accidentally Kill Another Family With Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
TULSA, OK—Observing that he had taken time to reflect and grieve, friends of local man John Tellez were encouraging the widower to get back out there and accidentally kill another family with carbon monoxide poisoning, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s time to take a chance on meeting someone new y..
Harvard Graduate Raises Over $300 Million From Angel Investors With Drawing Of Flying Dog
SAN FRANCISCO—In one of the biggest funding rounds so far this year, Harvard Business School graduate Josh Paulsen reportedly raised over $300 million from angel investors Tuesday with a drawing of a flying dog. “He came into my office, slapped his drawing on my desk, and said, ‘I’m going to make th..
Knife-Wielding Doctors Roam Country Searching For Teens To Force To Be Trans
WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their..
New Poll Finds Most Americans See Biden As Too Old To Effectively Lead Conga Line
WASHINGTON—In a troubling sign for the incumbent president, a new poll released Monday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans see President Joe Biden, 80, as too old to effectively lead a conga line. “Our data indicated that among both registered and unregistered voters, Americans over..
Texas Cancels School Over Concerns Extreme Heat Not Safe Environment For Shootings
PLANO, TX—Citing faulty HVAC systems and temperatures over 100 degrees, Plano Independent School District in North Texas canceled classes Friday over concerns that the extreme heat made its campuses unsafe for mass shootings. “We take the well-being of our students very seriously, which is why we h..
Nation’s Liberals Anxiously Waiting With Unzipped Pants To Jerk Off To Trump Mug Shot
ATLANTA—Hopping from foot to foot in front of their laptop and phone screens in fevered anticipation of the former president’s photo, the nation’s liberals reportedly anxiously waited with unzipped pants Thursday for the moment they could finally jerk off to Donald Trump’s mug shot. “Oh Christ, ..
Trump Supporters React To His Debate-Night Tucker Carlson Interview
Rather than participate in the first GOP presidential debate, Donald Trump instead opted to appear in a pretaped interview with Tucker Carlson that will air at the same time. The Onion asked Trump supporters how they felt about the former president’s interview, and this is what they said.
