Peter Bartlett
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Am I having another Mai Tai? Yes.

Should I be having another Mai Tai? Shut up.
11:49 PM - Sep 08, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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Oh, you love eggs, huh? Name three of their albumen.
04:06 PM - Aug 09, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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With thumb drives getting ever smaller, it's never been easier to get a thesaurus into your colon.
06:49 PM - Jul 31, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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This natural deodorant must really be natural, because it’s not working *at all*.
11:26 PM - Jul 20, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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I Love May! (I have a nasal congestion fetish)
01:58 PM - May 03, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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"Today's special is a Cobb salad."
"Can I get that as a wrap?"
"Okay... (Starts beat boxing) welcome to Chili's / Your server's José / Cobb salad is our special todaaaaaaayyyyyy"
(Moonwalks back to host station)
09:39 PM - May 01, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
A
Who decided a whistle was the epitome of cleanliness?

“You’re telling me you got your car as clean as a shrill instrument full of random people’s spit? Cool.”
03:25 PM - Apr 03, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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Customer: I'll have a martini with a twist.
Bartender: No problem.
(Sets down drink)
You have a twin sister.
10:44 PM - Mar 27, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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I'm trying this new thing called micro-intermittent fasting, where I don't eat between bites.
11:46 PM - Mar 21, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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People frequently overlook the Beach Boys’ commercially less successful but still seminal album ‘Pet Smells,’ featuring the minor hits ‘Downwind from Tarzana’ and ‘Cheese Smuggler.’
03:41 PM - Mar 19, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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KISS ME I'M IRISH! (AND MY BREATH IS TERRIBLE)
03:43 PM - Mar 17, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face tonight at 2am, you get sprung forward 1 hour.
01:05 AM - Mar 12, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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No surprise, the most popular Tom's of Maine deodorant is "Unscented."
01:59 PM - Mar 09, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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Oral histories imply the existence of rectal histories.
11:23 PM - Mar 01, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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“That’s not a hill I want to die on.”
You might be surprised to learn just how few hills I want to die on
10:58 AM - Feb 23, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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“Here I go, here I go, here I go again! Girls, what’s my weakness?”

“SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES!”

“Okay then…”
02:49 AM - Feb 22, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
A
My gym: You gotta put in the work every day if you want to get better!

Me: Ok, what if I just want to get worse, but more slowly
01:38 PM - Feb 20, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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“Here I go, here I go, here I go again! Girls what’s my weakness?”

“LACTOSE!”

“Okay then…”
08:31 PM - Feb 11, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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Very excited IG reel: "we turned this [house]...into this [same house but with shiplap]
05:23 PM - Feb 07, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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I've had ADHD for so long I had it when it was still BCHD
05:18 PM - Feb 07, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
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I don’t know exactly what “gestalt” means but I feel like I can look at it and get the general idea all at once
01:35 AM - Feb 05, 2023
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Peter Bartlett
A
Favrd's down.
05:46 PM - Feb 01, 2023
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