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[How to get randomly selected by TSA in an airport]

TSA Agent: please form a single line to your right.

Me: [raises hand] what if you’re married?
10:23 AM - Mar 01, 2023
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[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-
10:41 AM - Feb 28, 2023
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
10:42 PM - Feb 27, 2023
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Wife: you’ve a lot of useless knowledge.

Me: all knowledge has purpose.

Wife: right cause the police might need your help catching a serial killer who will only stop if someone can tell him-

Cop: [bursts in] quick does anyone know Cap’n Crunch’s first name?

Me: [happy gasp].
09:05 AM - Feb 27, 2023
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[watching the Little Mermaid]

Daughter: why didn’t Ariel just write Prince Eric a note?

Me: maybe she didn’t know how to write.

Daughter: but she signed her name on Ursula’s contract.

Me:

Daughter:

Me: [frantically flipping through parenting book].
04:39 PM - Feb 21, 2023
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Me: can I let our son watch Princess Bride?

Wife: no. I'm not ready for that.

Me: why?

Wife: can you imagine him speaking only in Princess Bride quotes? That would be painful lol.

Son: [walks by] life is pain Highness.

Wife: you already did it didn't you?

Me: INCONCEIVABLE!
09:43 AM - Feb 21, 2023
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore.

Me: did you make up that Dad joke?

Daughter: yes : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: why are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.
09:39 PM - Feb 20, 2023
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My wife was telling me Eric Church won CMA Entertainer of the Year in 2020 and then she said she got to see him in a dive bar back before he got big, so I asked if he was just Eric Chapel back then and she actually laughed at my joke. Guys she like laughed laughed. today was a good day : )
07:26 PM - Feb 20, 2023
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American blood type: B Negative.

Canadian blood type: B Positive A.
07:17 PM - Feb 20, 2023
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my five year old was trying to open her car door on her own and I told her “you almost got it just pull” and she was on her tippie toes and got it. She turned to me and said “thanks daddy”. and I said “for what?” and she said “for believing in me”and now it’s raining on my face.
01:00 PM - Feb 20, 2023
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Me: what’s that?

Daughter: the moon.

Me: yes good job!

Daughter: yay : )

Me: and what are those?

Daughter: night freckles.

Me:

Daughter:

Wife: what are you guys looking at?

Me and Daughter: night freckles.
08:43 AM - Feb 20, 2023
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I asked my 5yr old daughter what she wants to be when she grows up and she said a dog catcher. I said you mean animal control? She said no I don’t wanna control the dogs, I wanna catch them, give ‘em a hug and then let ‘em go. Ya’ll I’m thinking I need a career change.
10:15 PM - Feb 19, 2023
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God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: you’re only heard at night.

Cricket: ok.

God: and after dad jokes.

Cricket: how will I recognize a dad joke?

God: it will be apparent : )

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].
09:55 PM - Feb 19, 2023
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God: you’re a feared ocean predator.

Shark: any weaknesses?

God: only if you get hit in the nose.

Shark: are nose boops ok?

God: what are nose boops?

Shark: [touches God’s nose with fin] boop.

God: no they’re not ok.

Shark: oh : (

God: they’re amazing : )

Shark: yay : )
07:15 PM - Feb 19, 2023
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Wearing my whale hoodie while scrolling through Spoutible is a total vibe. #Spoutible #WhaleOfTime #whales #positivevibes
09:07 AM - Feb 05, 2023
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Is this funny? No.

Am I sorry I made it? Also No.
10:28 AM - Feb 02, 2023
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Son: knock, knock.

Me: who's there?

Son: owls say who.

Me: owls say who who?

Son: yes they do : )

Me: wait-did you just tell your first dad joke?

Son: yep!

Me: [wiping tears from eyes] I have nothing left to teach you.
07:20 PM - Feb 01, 2023
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