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I'm always flattered when a site thinks I'm a robot, because I *wish* I were emotionless and good at math.
01:33 PM - Oct 28, 2023
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Me: *longs to find the place where I belong*

Also me: *probably couldn’t afford to live there*
09:14 AM - Oct 25, 2023
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UNPOPULAR OPINION: I deserve to not be miserable 24/7.
09:14 AM - Oct 25, 2023
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Starting to suspect that I am neither emotionally nor financially equipped to exist in the present-day United States.
10:06 AM - Oct 23, 2023
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Pre-2023: Nostalgic for TV, video games, and assorted media.

Post-2023: Nostalgic for feeling safe and loved.
10:06 AM - Oct 22, 2023
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"Not cool enough to like Halloween but too cool to like Christmas" is very much my brand.
10:03 AM - Oct 22, 2023
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As far-fetched as it sounds, I’m beginning to suspect that there’s some sort of correlation between my worse-than-usual mindset and my worse-than-usual sleep habits.
03:28 AM - Oct 15, 2023
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Still waiting for one of the many Walking Dead series to address the long-standing mystery of how every character in the franchise is able to remain clean, well-groomed, and sharply dressed amidst a global zombie apocalypse.
03:27 AM - Oct 15, 2023
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I'm sorry. Has this entire YEAR not been Friday the 13th?
06:39 AM - Oct 13, 2023
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As a connoisseur of deprecation, I say you can't beat "self."
08:44 AM - Oct 11, 2023
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What did everyone get me for Mental Health Day?
06:48 AM - Oct 10, 2023
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The cool thing about experiencing an ocular migraine in the shower is that every flash of light you see could also be a soap bubble.
09:29 AM - Oct 09, 2023
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Pretty presumptuous of people with elaborate Halloween decorations to assume they'll never be Night at the Museum-ed.
09:28 AM - Oct 09, 2023
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"I just can't."
- Me, reflecting on the year I've had for more than two seconds
08:14 AM - Oct 06, 2023
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“Too tired to discern whether I’m on Twitter or a Twitter clone” is very much my brand.
08:14 AM - Oct 06, 2023
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I’ll get to my 5G zombie jokes as soon as I exhaust my Cocaine Bear material.
05:12 AM - Oct 05, 2023
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McRib? More like “McRibbing you about this sandwich ever truly going away,” am I right?
05:12 AM - Oct 05, 2023
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Me: *sees eight million social media posts proclaiming that it's October 1st*

Also me: *looks at calendar*
08:47 AM - Oct 02, 2023
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Just devoted 10 solid minutes to trying to find a specific image from a specific show to accompany a specific joke before giving up, in case anyone's curious about how efficient I am with my time.
08:47 AM - Oct 02, 2023
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Powering through a terrible headache to make terrible jokes on terrible Twitter.
08:57 AM - Oct 01, 2023
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Showing my brain who's boss by only acknowledging one out of every three intrusive thoughts.
07:13 PM - Sep 29, 2023
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My time is evenly split between being angry at the universe and begging the universe not to annihilate me for daring to be angry at it.
07:13 PM - Sep 29, 2023
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My new favorite game is mentioning literally any other platform on Twitter and watching as my tweets become completely invisible.
08:06 PM - Sep 25, 2023
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"Not cool enough to be different, and not different enough to be cool" is very much my brand.
07:36 AM - Sep 23, 2023
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It would seem I've entered the "insanely jealous of anyone who has a mom" stage of grief.
05:46 AM - Sep 22, 2023
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My horoscope warned that I may receive an unsettling letter today, and I’m wondering if I can pull one over on the universe by not checking my mail.
09:15 AM - Sep 20, 2023
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"If it doesn't taste like a pumpkin, chuck it into a volcano, and then imprison that volcano in the Phantom Zone."

-Americans for the next two months
09:15 AM - Sep 20, 2023
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Me most mornings: Is it too early to start posting shit?

Me this morning: Is it too weekendy to start posting shit?
07:34 AM - Sep 17, 2023
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"Tossed salad AND scrambled eggs? In THIS economy?!"
- The Frasier reboot, probably
07:33 AM - Sep 17, 2023
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Kinda sucks that my desire to avoid spending a hundred bucks on a game outweighs my desire to own Mortal Kombat 1 at launch.
06:55 AM - Sep 13, 2023
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