The Fishpants
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By now, the Easter Island heads have finished spitting out eggs and gone back to sleep for another year. The Easter Bunny has collected the eggs and is hurtling over the Pacific in his flying 1996 VW Carrotmobile.
04:14 PM - Mar 30, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Finally got all these ducks lined up.
Things should really start turning around for me now, apparently.
07:46 PM - Mar 29, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Prince wrote both "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Manic Monday," in case you needed a metaphor for the duality of human existence or whatever
07:25 PM - Mar 24, 2024
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The Fishpants
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If 7-layer dip had kept up with inflation, we would have 22-layer dip by now
11:05 AM - Mar 23, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Calling in sick with the March Madness. Yep these marching bands sure are driving me crazy
05:07 PM - Mar 19, 2024
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The Fishpants
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I get it, old video games...
I also have limited memory, no capacity for handling multiple things at once, and a sick-ass soundtrack
11:44 AM - Mar 16, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
11:26 AM - Mar 10, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Well International Women's Day is over, I hope you all enjoyed your fancy imported women
08:47 AM - Mar 09, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Obesity has become a bigger problem globally than hunger, so we got the "people are fat" part of Wall-E, but not the "people don't have to work" part
01:28 PM - Mar 02, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Hello I am writing to inquire about the position of Short King. What is the maximum height requirement? Does health insurance coverage start on day one? Is there an actual crown? Thank you for your consideration.
02:01 PM - Mar 01, 2024
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The Fishpants
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They should have excursions where you can hunt poachers, like with a guide and everything
08:17 AM - Feb 29, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Happy Birthday Johnny Cash.
Shout out to the time a guy shot the Johnny Cash water tower and made it look like he was peeing.
11:13 AM - Feb 26, 2024
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The Fishpants
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So South Carolina is having their primary election today...on a Saturday? Can they DO that?
What's next, Taco Friday?
Wednesday Night Live?
Thanksgiving But On A Monday in July?
09:00 AM - Feb 24, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Plot twist: every song with "love" in the title is actually about being bad at tennis
01:52 PM - Feb 23, 2024
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The Fishpants
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There are a lot of disaster cleanup/restoration businesses around here and some of them will announce on their vans how Christian they are.
OK so you're super-duper Christian and your business is... undoing acts of God?
01:20 PM - Feb 20, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
No they're not
Violets are purple
They are literally called violets
It's right in the name
This shouldn't be that difficult
Anyway, happy Valentine's Day
10:03 AM - Feb 14, 2024
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The Fishpants
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RIP Bill Post, inventor of Pop-Tarts.
He will be cremated or just buried as-is, either one is OK
09:31 AM - Feb 14, 2024
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John Shaft
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Masshole: He's a fawkin' moron
The Fishpants @TheFishpants
Texan: He's all hat & no cattle
Mainer: He's all trap & no lobster
Floridian: He's all meth & no gator
07:14 PM - Feb 05, 2024
07:19 PM - Feb 05, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Texan: He's all hat & no cattle
Mainer: He's all trap & no lobster
Floridian: He's all meth & no gator
07:14 PM - Feb 05, 2024
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The Fishpants
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We need an AI that recreates the songs of Supertramp but 10% less goofy
01:10 PM - Feb 03, 2024
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The Fishpants
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On Groundhog Day we honor the life of Bill Murray who did the same thing every day until he died in a tragic zombie mishap
02:12 PM - Feb 02, 2024
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The Fishpants
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You want me to touch grass?
The stuff the dogs poop on?
08:50 AM - Feb 01, 2024
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The Fishpants
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The first Neuralink has been installed. Finally, you can sign up for a brain chip implant from the guy who brought you the self-destructing car, rocket and social media platform.
02:01 PM - Jan 30, 2024
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The Fishpants
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God (creating bees): male bee, your only job is to have sex...
🐝: YES
God: ...one time, then your dick falls off and you die
🐝: I'LL TAKE IT
06:34 PM - Jan 25, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Social Media Update:
That hot girl from high school?
Still hot.
That one guy who seemed cool but you never really hung out with?
Still seems cool, is bald.
12:28 PM - Jan 24, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Gen-Alpha Batman villains:

Gyattwoman
The Rizzler
Skibidi Toilet
The Joker (unchanged)
11:06 AM - Jan 22, 2024
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The Fishpants
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The baby taco that hatches from a taco egg is called a taquito
06:25 PM - Jan 18, 2024
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The Fishpants
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*David Attenborough voice*
The baby lawyer seals itself inside a cocoon of legal briefs.
When it emerges, it will be a judge.
05:36 PM - Jan 18, 2024
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The Fishpants
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Why is the NHL letting all these randos drink out of the Stanley Cup?
Seems wildly unsanitary.
09:39 AM - Jan 14, 2024
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The Fishpants
A
President: We can now confirm the dead are rising and they are hungry for human flesh. The one thing you can do to protect yourself--
Host (cutting in): And one thing YOU can do is donate to your local public radio station during our spring pledge drive...
02:11 PM - Jan 13, 2024
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