Evan Kessler
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What if when you opened a social media app you could hear all of the screaming?
02:24 PM - May 25, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Heat vs. Nuggets is the name of my new Hot Chicken restaurant.
11:44 PM - May 22, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Had to concentrate for a second because my mouthwash was next to a bottle of Windex.
08:52 PM - May 16, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Saw a guy wearing a Pepsi shirt. Guess they were out of Coke shirts.
09:43 PM - May 14, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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I don't know if any of us truly realize how many podcasts there are.
08:01 PM - May 13, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Every home should come with a deck of cards in its kitchen junk drawer.
07:23 PM - May 11, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Just fixed a typo in my Bumble profile, so I probably won’t be single much longer.
06:56 PM - May 11, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Would love to make a decision without seven stages of anxiety about making said decision.
01:24 PM - May 02, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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It was the best of times, it was the “could really use a weighted blanket” of times.
11:02 PM - May 01, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Idea: An investing podcast hosted by potheads called "Stocks and Bongs."
06:34 PM - Apr 27, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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I may never be able to afford to buy a home, but I am a proud avocado toast owner.
04:41 PM - Apr 26, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Thinking about making my apartment one of those establishments where you can just throw your peanut shells on the floor.
07:00 PM - Apr 25, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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I’ve been starting all of my wishes with “I hope,” and I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong.
02:13 AM - Apr 25, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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About to take an edible. Let me know if you want me to let you know how it's going.
02:45 PM - Apr 21, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Waiting to see who will be Spoutible's first "bean dad."
01:30 PM - Apr 21, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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A good pickup line is to ask someone in a cast if it hurt when they fell from heaven.
03:06 AM - Apr 21, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Want to be the first person who got a blue checkmark on Spoutible, but never had one on Twitter.
07:03 PM - Apr 20, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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There should be a free streaming network that produces and airs cheap knockoff versions of popular shows.
11:59 PM - Apr 06, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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What do we call an individual gnocchi. Is it just a gnocchi? A piece of gnocchi? A gnocchet?
11:12 PM - Apr 05, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Any step I’ve taken to inspire myself creatively has never worked. The only thing that’s worked is taking a shower.
11:03 PM - Apr 05, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Spice up your bio with a blatant lie!
07:11 PM - Apr 02, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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I hope everyone on this platform is a fan of daily minutia!
05:39 PM - Apr 02, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Yes, we are currently in the throes of fascism, but I’m still gonna need everyone to lighten up a little bit.
05:22 PM - Apr 02, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Cauliflower has one helluva character arc. It used to be more recognized as an ear condition before ever being seen as a viable vegetable. Now it's impersonating chicken wings and rice?
02:14 PM - Apr 01, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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Crazy how I am the only comedian on this site. Guess I should eventually make a joke.
11:59 PM - Mar 31, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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I don't like that Spoutible makes my profile have the American flag on it. I know it's just telling people which country I'm in, but it makes me feel like a nationalist and I'd rather it just say I'm in Los Angeles.
11:55 PM - Mar 31, 2023
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Evan Kessler
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This is my first post on here and it is already being heralded as the most important post in Spoutible history. Thank you so much for this great honor! I will continue to not disappoint!
01:57 PM - Mar 29, 2023
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