Noah Smith
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Silvio Berlusconi has bungaed his last bunga.
11:49 AM - Jun 12, 2023
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Noah Smith
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My understanding is that at one point in the FBI’s investigation into the Unabomber, practically every academic in the country was a suspect. So that means both my college-professor grandfathers were on the list and, if you’ll excuse me, I think that’s kinda cool.
02:32 PM - Jun 10, 2023
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Noah Smith
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They found some docs in the ballroom (It wasn't me)
Saw some boxes in the bathroom (It wasn't me)
I even had some in the shower (It wasn't me)
They even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
Now they indicted Walt Nauta (It wasn't me)
04:51 PM - Jun 09, 2023
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Noah Smith
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Hey, if I use the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster, what’s a good amount to tip the bathroom attendant who hands me a classified document to wipe my hands with?
04:02 PM - Jun 09, 2023
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Noah Smith
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thread 3 Threaded Spouts
“Today my friend Rowley said he wouldn’t be my lawyer anymore even though I’m pretty much the most innocent person ever!” — Diary of a Wimpy President
02:53 PM - Jun 09, 2023
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Noah Smith
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Tucker Carlson currently debating whether Carmella Creeper is sufficiently fuckable to make up for the possible wokeness of her vibe.
09:01 PM - Jun 08, 2023
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Noah Smith
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Alabama too racist for John Roberts

California too woke for Dean Cain

Earth too cool for Pat Robertson
08:30 PM - Jun 08, 2023
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Noah Smith
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Imagine applying this to literature! We could get all the scenes the authors left out — the specifics of Bob Cratchit’s bookkeeping! How Jo March sharpened pencils! What Portnoy said after the punch line!
01:36 PM - May 30, 2023
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Noah Smith
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“Hey, for this design where we, devoid of context, put Marvel Comics characters on an Atlanta Falcons t-shirt, should we make sure to include the superhero actually called the Falcon?”

“… Nah.”
12:51 PM - May 25, 2023
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Noah Smith
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I’ll be 47 this summer and I’m finally ready to acknowledge that I’m just never going to make the effort on Pink Floyd.
11:41 AM - May 24, 2023
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Noah Smith
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I want every character on Succession except Kendall’s ex-wife and their kids to die horribly.

I think Barry should die on Barry, but I’ll feel sad about it.
09:20 AM - May 24, 2023
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Noah Smith
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ME: The Phillie Phanatic showed up at your middle school field day today?

MY SON: It was just a guy in a costume.
07:40 PM - May 23, 2023
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Noah Smith
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When the company Cingular grew big enough to buy AT&T, they knew which was was the more famous brand name. So the merged company was still called AT&T.

Changing HBO Max to “Max” is like if Cingular bought AT&T and decided the merged company name should be “Doug.”
02:18 PM - May 23, 2023
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Noah Smith
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It’s weird that anyone would ever say “no pun intended” when you could say “that was pun-intentional.”
11:11 AM - May 05, 2023
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