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Home Fitness Tips

My fitness declined after back and knee exercises kept me from playing basketball, and I hate “working out,” so I’ve had to trick myself into exercise. I’ve figured out a method for building muscle mass and aerobic health using only things most people have lying around the house.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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First, look around your house for a small baby. You may have one already. If so, great! If not, you may be able to make one. It takes a few months and a lot of cooperation, but the first few minutes of that can be quite fun. Alternatives: kitten, puppy, baby elephant.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Step 2: lift the baby up and carry it whenever you can. Go ahead and enjoy it! Fly it around like an airplane. Lift it over your head like baby Simba. If you’re not doing it enough, an alarm will sound from the baby to let you know. You won’t sleep during this phase, giving you more time for gainz.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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Step 3: the baby starts to get bigger, and every joint and muscle in your body will cry at you to stop carrying it so much. Persevere—it has learned that it can make you do anything by giggling when you do it and crying when you don’t. The agony in your body lets you know it’s working.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Step 4: WARNING. Now the baby is mobile. You’ll be doing fewer reps of carrying, but at a higher rate. With the extra gym time, you’ll be chasing a deceptively fast monkey with no sense of self-preservation. For added incentive, forget to child-proof your house because you thought you had more time.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Step 5: it’s not a baby anymore. Now it talks. One of the things it can say is “do it again!” It will say this every time you try to put it down after a game because you’re exhausted. You will try to stop, but it hasn’t learned empathy yet, so suck it up. It’s smarter and more determined than you.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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Step 6: keep doing step 5, adding outdoor play to the mix. I’ve been doing this for 6 years and my muscle mass has dramatically increased. Assuming mine keeps wanting me to carry her until adulthood, I’ll be terrifyingly jacked.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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Disclaimer: The presence of a baby may make you consume more calories due to exhaustion. Think of this as a way to help build muscle mass. I have built a protective layer of soft muscle on top of the hard muscle, mostly around the belly. It keeps me very warm and cozy.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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Note: if you’re using a cat instead, this method may cause sudden loss of blood depending on your cat’s temperament. If using a dog, remember that they grow faster than kids. Don’t blame me when your St. Bernard puts you in traction. Same for the baby elephant, but omg I’ve always wanted one anyway.
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Goose
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Follow me for more fitness tips!
09:29 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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Donna L
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😂 good tips!
In response to Goose.
09:37 AM - Dec 15, 2023
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