Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 1/12
I just laughed and it sounded just like my mother. Of course I paused and lost my breath. And now I can't recall the sound though I heard it, I made it, like 60 seconds ago.

In March my mom will be gone for 4 years. The sound of her voice still eludes me. I don't remember it all.
09:34 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 2/12
I do vaguely remember the sound of her voice mail. And I can hear her saying, in an exaggerated voice not quite her own, "and introducing Guy Fleegman as Security Chief 'Roc' Ingersol.
09:38 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 3/12
Galaxy Quest was one of our movies. We watched it all the time, recited it to make each other laugh. We also loved watching the movie Saved. We would watch 84 Charing Cross Road. I sat through Casablanca for my mother. We'd watch Star Trek IV and VI. Movies were our thing.
09:40 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 4/12
Before we got air conditioning in our bedrooms, on the real hot days we'd hang in the living room, there was a big window unit AC. Usually mom would put in one if her Miss Marple DVDs. Only the Geraldine McEwen ones. We'd watch for hours and hours. I still love those shows.
09:42 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 5/12
Watching movies, TVs, discussing my fanfiction (which mom loved to read) was so much easier than digging into the fractures in our relationship, the neglect of my mental illness, turning away from my sister's consistent abuse, her emotional unavailability during my formative years.
09:44 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 6/12
It was much easier to have a Gilmore Girls marathon and laugh at Lorelai and Emily. My sister called us the Gilmore Girls. Every morning mom and I would have coffee and a smoke as I ironed something to wear to work. Nearly every evening we'd come home and have cups of half caff, a smoke, and gab.
09:46 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 7/12
All that talking we did, mostly about superficial things, and the sound of her voice is gone from me.

She was in the hospital 3 weeks before she passed. During none if it could she speak. The first week she was intubated after her heart stopped and she was revived.
09:47 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 8/12
Then the next week when they brought her out, she screamed a lot, mostly for her mother and grandmother. She would pull needles giving her vital medicine fron her arms and refuse medicine by mouth. My sister made the medical decision to respect her wishes and stop all the medicine.
09:49 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 9/12
Mom didn't have the medical threshold to make it. They weren't saving her, her vessel was too broken to sustain. So they stopped, only giving her what she needed not to be in pain. By then she'd developed pneumonia, we knew it would take her. I would visit her every night. I'd read to her.
09:51 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 10/12
I would say things and she would sometimes smile or nod. Murry was still holding on, still in there, but she could not speak.

She died on a Friday morning, Friday March 13, 2020. By the following Monday COVID-19 shut the entire country down. We were lucky to have that time with her.
09:53 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 11/12
There were no more hispiral visits, no families able to hold loved ones as they left the world. I wasn't with mom. My sister and I said our final goodbye 2 days before as they planned to move her to hospice. I was able to hold her hand, tell her I love her, feel her warmth one more time.
09:58 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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thread 12/12
All that to say, I laugh like my mom. I look like my mom. I talk like her sometimes, so my sister says. Some friends say the same. But I can't hear her voice in my voice. I can't hear her voice at all. My therapist says it's trauma. I've worked through so much trauma, but her voice still eludes me.
10:02 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Michiru
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In response to Acey Deecey 🚀🚀.
I can empathize. I don’t sound like my mom at all. I remember her little ticks, like saying ‘I don’t know’ all the time. But I can’t remember her voice. I got lucky and was able to record her (and my dad’s) voicemail message, though!
Both passed b/c of cancer. It was hell. Won’t wish it on ANYONE.
11:42 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Jacqueline Wallace
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In response to Michiru.
11:49 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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In response to Michiru.
I can hear my mom's voice mail message in my head, though it's faded some over time. But it's in her "professional" voice, not her mom voice. My dad's voice is mostly clear but I miss him so much some days I can't breathe.
07:05 AM - Jan 12, 2024
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Mark Harming
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In response to Acey Deecey 🚀🚀.
I do stuff similar to this a lot.
I'll laugh or say something and I'll just hear my old man.
It's been 6 years. They do continue in us.
09:39 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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Acey Deecey 🚀🚀
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In response to Mark Harming.
They really do. Unfortunately a lot of the time, it's not a comfort for me. It's still too overwhelming.
10:31 PM - Jan 11, 2024
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