Goose
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thread 1/7
How to Apologize

All of us make mistakes, and some of those mistakes will cause harm. It’s important to learn to apologize in a way that shows you understand what you did wrong, you accept responsibility for the harm you caused, you are sincerely sorry, and that you won’t do it again.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 2/7
1. Actually apologize

Say the actual words “I’m sorry” to the person or people you hurt. If you actually mean it, then don’t qualify it. Don’t add weasel words (“I’m sorry if you felt that way”…. or “I’m sorry, but you need to understand….”). You’re just sorry. If you’re not sorry, don’t apologize.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 3/7
2. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for

People will usually tell you what you did that hurt them. LISTEN. If you genuinely don’t understand, it’s okay to admit that. But don’t get defensive—you’re asking for help understanding, not demanding justification.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 4/7
3. Take ownership of the harm your actions caused

Acknowledge what you did and why it hurt. Don’t say you didn’t mean to—focusing on your intent or your feelings centers you, but the whole point of an apology is to focus on the impact your actions had on someone else.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 5/7
4. No excuses or hypotheticals

No “I never would have done that if I had known.” That’s great, but you did do it.

No “I hadn’t had my coffee yet.”

I get it, you want there to be a reason so that you don’t have to feel so bad. That’s misplaced in an apology. But…
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 6/7
5. Show why it won’t happen again

You’ve hurt someone. They dont want to be hurt again. You don’t want to hurt them again, so make sure they understand why you think you can deliver on that. Then actually do: If you do the same thing multiple times, people will lose patience fast.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Goose
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thread 7/7
And finally, remember that no one owes you forgiveness. Don’t say things like “I already apologized for that.” You need to accept the people you harmed for who they are, and accept that they don’t need to get over it or open themselves up to more harm just because it would make you feel better.
07:12 AM - Nov 28, 2023
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Madelon Wise
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I recommend Harriet Lerner’s book, Why Won’t You Aplogize?
In response to Goose.
06:28 PM - Jan 12, 2024
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