Spiritual Annie
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thread 1/9
I wrote a thread a bit ago about how I’m dealing with a lot and having a difficult time writing, which is my main outlet.
I left a glaring omission when I wrote it and I think it’s because it’s overwhelming.

I recently found out I have a heart condition. Actually, I’ve found it out in stages.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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thread 2/9
It started as a murmur, which didn’t sound all that serious. Then I was told I have a leaky mitral valve. After a while, it was explained that the valve was leaking because of stenosis which is progressive. Then it was that it not only leaks, but regurgitates.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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I was told that it could probably be fixed with a clamp placed with a catheter. Then I saw the specialist who said I probably need a valve replacement which is open heart surgery.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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I found out there are no pig mitral valves developed yet, so it's going to have to be metal and they last about 5 years.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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It's not my mortality that’s so much on my mind as it is knowing I am going to have a specific condition with a specific expiration date and not knowing what that end will look like. I’m not afraid of death since I had a near death experience about 10 years ago.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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I’m afraid of the manner of my dying. I don’t want it to be long and drawn out. I don’t want to lay around slowly deteriorating. I’m disabled and have done enough of that. Thinking about it has kept me awake at night since I found out.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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thread 7/9
I’m supposed to have one final test to make sure it has to be a valve replacement. I had it all scheduled with the specialist when I lost my phone, complicating my being able to get it done. Now that I’ve replaced my phone, I need to make a bunch of calls to reschedule everything.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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thread 8/9
I’ve been stuck there for 3 days now. I have phone anxiety, which is part of it. But the bigger part is that it feels like my finding out absolutely starts the clock ticking.

Come Monday I’ll make those calls, I’m sure.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024
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Spiritual Annie
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thread 9/9
But meanwhile I lay here awake again tonight pondering my life and where I find myself now.

I’m not looking for solutions just needed to express it so that maybe it gets out of my head so much and feels at least a little more manageable.

Thanks for listening. It matters.
02:59 AM - Apr 21, 2024 (Edited)
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