My Flying Car 2020
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thread 1/8
I think Not All-ing is done when folks feel implicated by association with people they somehow identify with. I belong to certain groups for which I've Not All'd in my head- for ex., Americans. But I don't Not All "out loud" bc the moment is about those whose injury needs to be understood, not me.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 2/8
I believe it is absolutely 100% normal to selfishly want your personal intentions to be understood, to signal your virtue, to express empathy with those who are being wronged.

I also believe it's a mature person's job to recognize when the right thing to do is to subordinate yourself & yr feelings.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 3/8
With practice, and a bit of observation, you'll notice that the unspoken Not All is often unspoken because it's typically already understood, like the subject doing the not-speaking and understanding in the preceding clause of this sentence.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 4/8
With a bit of reflection, you'll also notice that the Not All is an unnecessary aside. It adds no useful meaning to the main topic of conversation, which in this context is what-horrible-thing-happens-to-somebody-we-should-extend-empathy-and-help-to. It is a distraction that unfairly centers you.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 5/8
If your intent is to express empathy with those being wronged, the good news is you can absolutely still do that without Not All-ing, and it's not hard. Choices include things like: "You're right / I agree / I'm so sorry that happens to you." None of these centers you. Each affirms the victims' POV.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 6/8
When you say these things, you can leave out that you're a member of the group they're complaining about. The victim does not care. You can and should leave yourself and your in-group completely out of your expression of support.

If you feel doing this somehow hurts your in-group, sit with that.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 7/8
You can be a member of a group - a nationality, culture, religion, geographic area - and not support everything that group is associated with. You are not betraying them (and thereby yourself) by calling a wrong thing wrong. You are acknowledging that things are complicated. You are growing.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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My Flying Car 2020
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thread 8/8
You're learning what needs to be changed among the group. You can become not complicit with harmful behavior. You can be part of others' growth if you take the victims' description of having been wronged seriously. That's homework, not to be discussed in the conversation with the wronged person.
05:15 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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⚾️Dane Pereslete⚾️
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I used to fail miserably at this. With restraint and practice, I have finally learned how to stop knee-jerking, sit back, really listen, and reflect. Stop making everything about you, learn from others' experience, and don't reply unless it's relevant and additive to the convo.
In response to My Flying Car 2020.
08:53 PM - Apr 29, 2024
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