I PEDDLED DRUGS TO YOUR KIDS! And I have NEVER met a more rude, entitled bunch of mini-Karens than THOSE brats. Demanding to know if my meth was "locally sourced" or if my pot was "farm to table." Fuck off! It's "crawlspace full of grow lights to table" you little shit!
08:33 PM - May 20, 2024
BRUNET: How can one man have an appeal to both frustrated wives like you and passionate girls like me?
BLONDE: Because...he's a man called SEX!
HIM: Actually, ladies, it's pronounced Shay-EEKS.
BLONDE: Because...he's a man called SEX!
HIM: Actually, ladies, it's pronounced Shay-EEKS.
12:27 PM - May 17, 2024
CABBAGE WRAPPED BEANS!
Be a smarty...
Feed 'em hearty!
Leave 'em feelin'
Full and farty!
Be a smarty...
Feed 'em hearty!
Leave 'em feelin'
Full and farty!
06:29 PM - May 16, 2024
Her expression alone tells you how great they taste!
11:45 AM - May 14, 2024
Wow. When I ordered sea monkeys from the back of Action Comics they were a lot more mellow.
11:46 AM - May 13, 2024
Mr. Mind called a press conference on Thursday morning to rebut recent allegations from the RFK, Jr. campaign, quipping, “Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
05:29 PM - May 09, 2024
BRUNET: Enjoyed your taste of H?
BLONDE: Ugh, no, it's awful! And since when does heroin come in an ointment? I could barely push it through the hypodermic needle! Oh shit...!
BRUNET: What?
BLONDE: Judy, this is *PREPARATION* H!
BLONDE: Ugh, no, it's awful! And since when does heroin come in an ointment? I could barely push it through the hypodermic needle! Oh shit...!
BRUNET: What?
BLONDE: Judy, this is *PREPARATION* H!
11:03 AM - May 09, 2024
HER: Thanks to long Covid, Bob couldn't smell shit if he was body surfing in our septic tank!
11:37 AM - May 08, 2024
"Honey, I'm home!"
"Caw!"
"Honey?"
"Buck-buck-bucKAW"
"Oh for Pete's sake...You've been hypnotized by your own cake roll? Again??"
"Caw!"
"Honey?"
"Buck-buck-bucKAW"
"Oh for Pete's sake...You've been hypnotized by your own cake roll? Again??"
12:32 PM - May 07, 2024
After he was horribly burned by a malfunctioning flash-pot, Big Bird found his Sesame Street friends avoiding him on advice of counsel. Only Drooper from The Banana Splits came to visit, but he was going through an industrial music phase and only wanted to talk about Throbbing Gristle.
02:06 PM - May 06, 2024
Beware you monsters, with your hot cars! Ultraman will make you gleam until you scream!
11:51 AM - Apr 30, 2024
"Y'ello! Battle Mountain Bordello, Nevada's Finest Legal Whorehouse/Steakhouse. Please hold...Judy! Stop entertaining two clients at a time! We TALKED about this!"
"But--"
"NO buts, you know the rule: Love one man at a time or else! You're not a goddamn Uber rideshare."
"But--"
"NO buts, you know the rule: Love one man at a time or else! You're not a goddamn Uber rideshare."
01:01 PM - Apr 29, 2024
HER: Ted I, uh, see you've stripped down to your sweater vest--
HIM: It's the savage way.
HER: But you don't need to stalk and kill our dinner. It's on the table.
HIM: That's when it's most dangerous. I've seen many a good man mauled to death by a wounded Eggplant Parmesan.
HIM: It's the savage way.
HER: But you don't need to stalk and kill our dinner. It's on the table.
HIM: That's when it's most dangerous. I've seen many a good man mauled to death by a wounded Eggplant Parmesan.
01:34 PM - Apr 27, 2024
It was ironic, but irresistible when the talented teen seduced the Postmaster General into throwing off his slacks and committing the Comstock Act.
03:34 PM - Apr 26, 2024
"Phew, I’m spent! Tell the boys in R&D the Sybian Saddle’s a success!"
11:33 AM - Apr 24, 2024
HIM: Honey? I brought the boss home for dinner. Isn't... isn't that GREAT?
HER: Yeah...great. (MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Now I gotta make enough breast milk and blubber custard for FOUR. (SIGHS) Alright Bob, start pumpin'...
HER: Yeah...great. (MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Now I gotta make enough breast milk and blubber custard for FOUR. (SIGHS) Alright Bob, start pumpin'...
04:02 PM - Apr 23, 2024
Sometimes they turn up later, trussed and gagged in the trunk of an abandoned car, or shot execution-style and left to rot at the bottom of an old quarry, or doused with quicklime and buried in a shallow grave upstate. But MOST...are never seen again! Tonight on DATELINE, we...
02:36 PM - Apr 22, 2024
Stampeding my panicked cattle herd through the desert, shooting indiscriminately at shadows, saguaros, and sagebrush while pursued by a huge floating skull with vampire teeth it suddenly dawned on me: Maybe peyote's not for everyone.
01:15 PM - Apr 20, 2024
HER: Marry me....or DIE!
HIM: Wow. So you're saying if I marry you I'll become immortal?
HER: Well, no.
HIM: Wait...so my choice is marry you or die, or marry you AND die?
HER: It's a timing thing.
HIM: Hm. Well you DO look like a young Agnes Moorehead...
HER: Thank you.
HIM: So I'll take death.
HIM: Wow. So you're saying if I marry you I'll become immortal?
HER: Well, no.
HIM: Wait...so my choice is marry you or die, or marry you AND die?
HER: It's a timing thing.
HIM: Hm. Well you DO look like a young Agnes Moorehead...
HER: Thank you.
HIM: So I'll take death.
01:58 PM - Apr 19, 2024
HER: Hey, Bob! I finally got this Zoom thing working, so we’re all set up for that conference call at—Uhhh, is this a bad time?
07:21 PM - Apr 15, 2024
HER: Meow! MeeeeeOWWW! Hiss! Ffft! Ffft! Rowr!...Oh for fuck's sake, Frank, how much longer do I have to keep this up?
HIM: Until he's dead!
HER: You really need a better M.O.
HIM: No, keep mewing! Don't stop NOW! You're ruining it for me!
HIM: Until he's dead!
HER: You really need a better M.O.
HIM: No, keep mewing! Don't stop NOW! You're ruining it for me!
12:43 PM - Apr 15, 2024
WOMAN: This bill is outrageous! Thirty-seven fifty for ONE SUIT, with no alterations?! Why I’ve KILLED men for less!
TAILOR: Look lady, I had Underwood Deviled Ham for lunch--Urp!-- and it’s given me a slight case of Satan. How’s about I throw in a second pair of pants for free?
TAILOR: Look lady, I had Underwood Deviled Ham for lunch--Urp!-- and it’s given me a slight case of Satan. How’s about I throw in a second pair of pants for free?
02:36 PM - Apr 12, 2024
HIM: Augh! Subterranean spirochetes! It must be some sort of...geologic venereal disease!
HER: Great, Bob. "Let's find a safe landing spot," I said. "Put her down gently," I said. "No!" you said. "I wanna FUCK THIS PLANET!" you said.
HER: Great, Bob. "Let's find a safe landing spot," I said. "Put her down gently," I said. "No!" you said. "I wanna FUCK THIS PLANET!" you said.
12:11 PM - Apr 09, 2024
"I want the gold!"
"There is no gold! It's a myth! A phantom!"
"Liar! I can see the treasure chest right there!"
"Ah, that's my Grandma's. It's just got ribbon candy and hard caramels."
"Oooh. Does she have any Werther's Originals?"
"There is no gold! It's a myth! A phantom!"
"Liar! I can see the treasure chest right there!"
"Ah, that's my Grandma's. It's just got ribbon candy and hard caramels."
"Oooh. Does she have any Werther's Originals?"
01:30 PM - Apr 07, 2024
So while we're on the subject of that whole "Are You Better Off Today Than You Were Four Years Ago" thing...
02:14 PM - Apr 04, 2024
HIM: I did nothing wrong! The bank was HAPPY I took that money! They had too much, nowhere to put it, I helped with their storage problems! The Sheriff is corrupt and has a weak mustache!
HER: Duke, trying to bothsides the law isn't working!
HIM: Then I'll KICK IT UP A NOTCH!
HER: Duke, trying to bothsides the law isn't working!
HIM: Then I'll KICK IT UP A NOTCH!
06:58 PM - Apr 02, 2024
All the young interns loved Nurse Carolyn, but no one *made* love to her quite like Phil, the Third Year Resident known to the staff as “Dr. Motorboat”
01:27 PM - Apr 02, 2024
Sorry to hear about the passing of Barbara Rush at 97 (but impressed she was closing in on a century). In her honor tonight's viewing will be WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE, in which she gives such a vivid performance you almost forget she's basically the only woman in the film.
05:58 PM - Apr 01, 2024
