"Because—and I hate to break it to you—this is basically the story of Rasputin and the Romanoffs. Think of it as Nicholas and Alexandra, if it were an Australian Made-for-TV movie, and their biggest problem wasn’t world war and revolution, but cane toads."
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:53 AM - May 18, 2024
I PEDDLED DRUGS TO YOUR KIDS! And I have NEVER met a more rude, entitled bunch of mini-Karens than THOSE brats. Demanding to know if my meth was "locally sourced" or if my pot was "farm to table." Fuck off! It's "crawlspace full of grow lights to table" you little shit!
08:33 PM - May 20, 2024
"Because—and I hate to break it to you—this is basically the story of Rasputin and the Romanoffs. Think of it as Nicholas and Alexandra, if it were an Australian Made-for-TV movie, and their biggest problem wasn’t world war and revolution, but cane toads."
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:53 AM - May 18, 2024
BRUNET: How can one man have an appeal to both frustrated wives like you and passionate girls like me?
BLONDE: Because...he's a man called SEX!
HIM: Actually, ladies, it's pronounced Shay-EEKS.
BLONDE: Because...he's a man called SEX!
HIM: Actually, ladies, it's pronounced Shay-EEKS.
12:27 PM - May 17, 2024
CABBAGE WRAPPED BEANS!
Be a smarty...
Feed 'em hearty!
Leave 'em feelin'
Full and farty!
Be a smarty...
Feed 'em hearty!
Leave 'em feelin'
Full and farty!
06:29 PM - May 16, 2024
Her expression alone tells you how great they taste!
11:45 AM - May 14, 2024
Wow. When I ordered sea monkeys from the back of Action Comics they were a lot more mellow.
11:46 AM - May 13, 2024
Mary Steenburgen won't say "Merry Christmas," so Santa hires Harry Dean Stanton to kill her entire family in this ill-considered attempt at a heartwarming holiday classic by the Walt Disney Company.
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
10:31 AM - May 10, 2024
Mr. Mind called a press conference on Thursday morning to rebut recent allegations from the RFK, Jr. campaign, quipping, “Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
05:29 PM - May 09, 2024
BRUNET: Enjoyed your taste of H?
BLONDE: Ugh, no, it's awful! And since when does heroin come in an ointment? I could barely push it through the hypodermic needle! Oh shit...!
BRUNET: What?
BLONDE: Judy, this is *PREPARATION* H!
BLONDE: Ugh, no, it's awful! And since when does heroin come in an ointment? I could barely push it through the hypodermic needle! Oh shit...!
BRUNET: What?
BLONDE: Judy, this is *PREPARATION* H!
11:03 AM - May 09, 2024
HER: Thanks to long Covid, Bob couldn't smell shit if he was body surfing in our septic tank!
11:37 AM - May 08, 2024
"Honey, I'm home!"
"Caw!"
"Honey?"
"Buck-buck-bucKAW"
"Oh for Pete's sake...You've been hypnotized by your own cake roll? Again??"
"Caw!"
"Honey?"
"Buck-buck-bucKAW"
"Oh for Pete's sake...You've been hypnotized by your own cake roll? Again??"
12:32 PM - May 07, 2024
After he was horribly burned by a malfunctioning flash-pot, Big Bird found his Sesame Street friends avoiding him on advice of counsel. Only Drooper from The Banana Splits came to visit, but he was going through an industrial music phase and only wanted to talk about Throbbing Gristle.
02:06 PM - May 06, 2024
It's the movie that feels like a healing injection of bleach! 📽
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:46 AM - May 02, 2024
Beware you monsters, with your hot cars! Ultraman will make you gleam until you scream!
11:51 AM - Apr 30, 2024
"Y'ello! Battle Mountain Bordello, Nevada's Finest Legal Whorehouse/Steakhouse. Please hold...Judy! Stop entertaining two clients at a time! We TALKED about this!"
"But--"
"NO buts, you know the rule: Love one man at a time or else! You're not a goddamn Uber rideshare."
"But--"
"NO buts, you know the rule: Love one man at a time or else! You're not a goddamn Uber rideshare."
01:01 PM - Apr 29, 2024
HER: Ted I, uh, see you've stripped down to your sweater vest--
HIM: It's the savage way.
HER: But you don't need to stalk and kill our dinner. It's on the table.
HIM: That's when it's most dangerous. I've seen many a good man mauled to death by a wounded Eggplant Parmesan.
HIM: It's the savage way.
HER: But you don't need to stalk and kill our dinner. It's on the table.
HIM: That's when it's most dangerous. I've seen many a good man mauled to death by a wounded Eggplant Parmesan.
01:34 PM - Apr 27, 2024
This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies: It's the Feel Bad Film of 1965! Based on a True Story. Just not the *whole* story... 📽
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:52 AM - Apr 27, 2024
It was ironic, but irresistible when the talented teen seduced the Postmaster General into throwing off his slacks and committing the Comstock Act.
03:34 PM - Apr 26, 2024
This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies, it's the ocular migraine that thinks it's a movie!
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:31 AM - Apr 18, 2024
"Phew, I’m spent! Tell the boys in R&D the Sybian Saddle’s a success!"
11:33 AM - Apr 24, 2024
HIM: Honey? I brought the boss home for dinner. Isn't... isn't that GREAT?
HER: Yeah...great. (MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Now I gotta make enough breast milk and blubber custard for FOUR. (SIGHS) Alright Bob, start pumpin'...
HER: Yeah...great. (MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Now I gotta make enough breast milk and blubber custard for FOUR. (SIGHS) Alright Bob, start pumpin'...
04:02 PM - Apr 23, 2024
Sometimes they turn up later, trussed and gagged in the trunk of an abandoned car, or shot execution-style and left to rot at the bottom of an old quarry, or doused with quicklime and buried in a shallow grave upstate. But MOST...are never seen again! Tonight on DATELINE, we...
02:36 PM - Apr 22, 2024
Stampeding my panicked cattle herd through the desert, shooting indiscriminately at shadows, saguaros, and sagebrush while pursued by a huge floating skull with vampire teeth it suddenly dawned on me: Maybe peyote's not for everyone.
01:15 PM - Apr 20, 2024
HER: Marry me....or DIE!
HIM: Wow. So you're saying if I marry you I'll become immortal?
HER: Well, no.
HIM: Wait...so my choice is marry you or die, or marry you AND die?
HER: It's a timing thing.
HIM: Hm. Well you DO look like a young Agnes Moorehead...
HER: Thank you.
HIM: So I'll take death.
HIM: Wow. So you're saying if I marry you I'll become immortal?
HER: Well, no.
HIM: Wait...so my choice is marry you or die, or marry you AND die?
HER: It's a timing thing.
HIM: Hm. Well you DO look like a young Agnes Moorehead...
HER: Thank you.
HIM: So I'll take death.
01:58 PM - Apr 19, 2024
This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies, it's the ocular migraine that thinks it's a movie!
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:31 AM - Apr 18, 2024
HER: Hey, Bob! I finally got this Zoom thing working, so we’re all set up for that conference call at—Uhhh, is this a bad time?
07:21 PM - Apr 15, 2024
This week at Better Living Through Bad Movies: No Ifs, Ands, but plenty of Buts.
https://open.substack.com/...
https://open.substack.com/...
11:38 AM - Apr 11, 2024
