T. Naught
A
thread 1/11
i am still learning
how to exist with feelings —
especially the big, difficult, nasty ones

my first reaction still
some combination of denial & panic:
put them away & get on with it, or,
failing that,
do anything to make them stop —
distract, dissociate, … or worse
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 2/11
and notice the growth mindset of my framing there: “i’m still learning”
vs my more traditional “i’m bad at”

which belies an open question:

how much of this struggle is a deeply learned skills deficit, byproduct of an upbringing that held no space for emotions, where
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 3/11
caregivers modeled the panic response:
fix it by any means; stop crying already
(or i will give you something to &c.)
and judgement:
my big feelings are an inconvenience for them, meaning they are wrong & selfish & inimical to the correct agenda of the moment

versus
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 4/11
how much is neuropsychological:
alexithymia sometimes associated with autism, whereby recognizing emotions & having language & awareness around them is not well supported by the hardware, like a myopia for which there exist no spectacles

i.e. an intrinsic “bad at” making “i’m learning” more uphill
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 5/11
howbeit
the net of this, in the moment, is simply

*** IT HURTS ***
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 6/11
trying to practice the stuff
one is supposed to:
honoring it (whatever it is),
sitting with it (whatever that means),
acknowledging it is there (nameless),
validating it makes sense (for some value of sense making),
and permitting it:
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 7/11
it’s ok to feel what i feel
(because it does not FEEL ok to feel what i feel — gotta lean into this one hard)

this feeling is only part of me, not all of me
(tough when it feels all consuming, waking me up & keeping me that way)
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 8/11
most importantly,
this feeling will pass —
i will not always feel this way
(which smells like a rancid lie
after days and weeks of the same feeling
brutal & relentless & unbearable;
and behind that,
months and years of the genesis of that feeling,
the road of facts & emotions that got us here)
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
A
thread 9/11
deep breath—
this too shall pass
(everything does)

there, you see?
you’ve gotten some words out…
it’s less sharp now, isn’t it?
not the spiky thing that lodged in your brain arteries and forced you awake —
couple hours before dawn,
maybe you could sleep a bit more?
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
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thread 10/11
yeah, i see you brain:
you just intellectualize around your emotions, and now you’re all puffed up feeling like you accomplished something.
(shut up! it was kind of working!)

real talk:
it hurts, and i’m exhausted.
and i’m tired of hurting & being exhausted.
and the forecast just calls for more.
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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T. Naught
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thread 11/11
the dawn will come;
tomorrow (which is already here)
we begin again

i’m still learning
how to exist with feelings
05:29 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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RealGee
A
I feel very "seen" here.

This is excellent. It had to feel great to write it out.
In response to T. Naught.
08:13 AM - Jan 13, 2024
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