Selena Maranjian
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thread 1/9
18 pretty good tweets of yore:

ItsAndyRyan
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

cheesedaydreams
The main difference between my husband doing dishes and me doing dishes is the ticker tape
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 2/9
parade

SondraDeeMe
When you’re Greek, and you’re mad but don’t want to show it, you throw plates, and scream OPA! People just think you’re having a good time.

HatfieldAnne
How this will go down: We will both take rolls. I will eat my roll.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 3/9
Then you will slide your roll WITHOUT FANFARE onto my plate.

caseytduncan
I always have an ace up my sleeve. No....wait.....that's a fabric softener sheet. My bad.

tsm560
I want to push all your buttons. Starting with mute.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 4/9
koalaslament
The kids are running a makeshift hospital in the lounge room. Their triage system is total bullshit. I know I was here before the giraffe.

popcorngoddess1
My life can best be described as a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 5/9
SortaBad
Nothing in the world is more skewed from reality than gun owners' self assessment of their own counter-terrorism skills

VestaTot
Put that down, Lizzie. We don't chop wood in the house.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 6/9
AndyRichter
Holy shit you guys this yoga mat is delicious

KelleysBreakRm
Just leafed through my husband's Popular Mechanics magazine and didn't recognize a single one of those guys.

funnyfries
I just realized some of my favorite people are cookies.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 7/9
funnyfries
Enjoying coffee and "me" time now – but I'm going to have to let my family out of the basement soon.

shariv67
*Sets microwave for 3:30*
Popcorn is burnt.
*Sets it for 3:00*
Popcorn is unpopped.
*Sets it for 3:15*
Popcorn is 1/2 burnt 1/2 unpopped.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 8/9
AlbertBrooks
Breaking News: Trump to back out of Louisiana Purchase.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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Selena Maranjian
A
thread 9/9
GloriaFallon123
Somewhere in the West Wing, Ivanka Trump is preparing the press release announcing her promotion from First Daughter to FBI Director

pourmecoffee
Trump is treating the presidency like a spring break rental car.
12:37 PM - May 10, 2024
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