1/22
Thread I've been waiting to do. It's long, sorry.
This is my brother. His name was Dennis. This photo was on his online obituary. There aren’t any decent local newspapers to put an obituary in near Cincinnati, anymore.
This is my brother. His name was Dennis. This photo was on his online obituary. There aren’t any decent local newspapers to put an obituary in near Cincinnati, anymore.
08:41 PM - May 03, 2023
2/22
He was a bright kid. So was I. He was the math kid, I was the English kid. Our teachers loved us. Our parents loved us. We both were, in our own ways, miserable. He both enjoyed and bore up under the expectations of everybody, from parents to teachers.
08:41 PM - May 03, 2023
3/22
For the most part, he exceeded the expectations of teachers. Parents are always another story. He was Mom’s favorite (I was Dad’s, not griping). He didn’t fit in, in school, or didn’t feel he fit in (don’t think he had the hard time I did). He had friends, if few. They were close friends.
08:41 PM - May 03, 2023
4/22
He didn’t date much in high school. As often is the case in a small, rural town, dating your schoolmates, most of whom you’d known since kindergarten, felt incestuous. When he went to college – on a full ride – he met his first real girlfriend. It worked, until it didn’t.
08:42 PM - May 03, 2023
5/22
She had dreams Dennis didn’t think she could achieve. He didn’t really know how to encourage her anyway. She found someone who did. Dennis was devastated - he had a breakdown, took a semester off, finally went back to college and graduated.
08:42 PM - May 03, 2023
6/22
I don’t think he ever really got over it, though he was married twice. Both marriages worked. Until they didn’t. I will speak somewhat ill of the dead and say he was emotionally remote and, when he felt defensive, arrogant. Nothing was ever his fault. He could be verbally mean.
08:42 PM - May 03, 2023
7/22
When it came to women, he seemed to think he had to save them. On some level, all the women he really pursued needed help of some kind. I’ve known other men who were like that – for his part, he was insecure and never sure he deserved to be loved.
08:42 PM - May 03, 2023
8/22
He was a good-looking guy, though I don’t think he ever thought so. He was insecure – who isn’t? He floated around through tech and insurance jobs, then went back to college and got a teaching certificate. Taught at our alma mater for over a dozen years.
08:43 PM - May 03, 2023
9/22
He liked it as well as he’d liked anything. Until he didn’t. He and another teacher at the school – who also no longer teaches – decided to bring in a teacher’s union. The other teachers liked the idea. The superintendent didn’t.
08:43 PM - May 03, 2023
10/22
Not that it was the only thing, but it was likely the main reason they didn’t renew his contract. Mom wanted him to find another teaching job. He didn’t, because he knew politics of that sort were everywhere. Mom was disappointed.
08:43 PM - May 03, 2023
11/22
He also played keyboards in several cover bands, over the years. I could read music, he could play by ear – he envied me, and I envied him. He was pretty good at it, and a competent lead vocalist on the right stuff. He used to sing Hendrix covers.
08:43 PM - May 03, 2023
12/22
He went back to the insurance industry for a while, then he had multiple chronic health issues, then Mom died and left us some investments that had been in the family for decades. He had Dupuytren’s contracture of his hands. Couldn’t play well. His band cut him loose.
08:44 PM - May 03, 2023
13/22
He didn’t drink until he was in his 30s, unlike lots of us in small rural towns. He got a couple of DUIs, the second of which wound up with him in jail for a time, and in a rehab program for a time. He quit driving drunk, but he didn’t quit drinking.
08:44 PM - May 03, 2023
14/22
I think Mom dying was the beginning of the end, for him. He didn’t have to work, he could just take subsistence money out of the investments every month. His needs were modest, it was plenty. He’d said he could probably go 10 years before he had to worry.
08:44 PM - May 03, 2023
15/22
Dennis was a Type 1 (insulin-dependent) diabetic. His weight fluctuated wildly in his last few years He was on a keto diet, and had lost a lot of weight, when he died. It had been about a week and a half since anybody had heard from him, which wasn’t unusual.
08:44 PM - May 03, 2023
16/22
He lived alone, and frequently got spanked by Facebook, which was our primary mode of communication. He was a devoted progressive who loved to argue politics, but he occasionally went too far, and people reported him and got him suspended. It happened over and over.
08:44 PM - May 03, 2023
17/22
We didn’t find out until his landlord called, he’d found my cell number in Dennis’s things. Dennis didn’t have a will. In Ohio, the administrator has to be in the state. His son, adopted during his first marriage, lived in another state. I administered his will.
08:45 PM - May 03, 2023
18/22
I was most proud of him when he posted a selfie on FB, in the summer of 2020, wearing a “Black Lives Matter” mask and marching in Cincinnati. He’d had Black friends over the years, but George Floyd really set him off. He wore the face mask around his very white suburb until he died.
08:45 PM - May 03, 2023
19/22
I only hate the thought he died alone, and didn’t want to be. He was still trying to save women he found attractive, right up to the end. The last one wasn’t interested, which doubtless was painful, judging from his last few Facebook posts. He never really talked about it.
08:45 PM - May 03, 2023
20/22
She was at least 25 years younger, though, and while she doubtless appreciated the help, I kind of get it. I don’t know why he felt the urge to save grown women – obviously, there are things we don’t know about the people we grow up with. It seems admirable at first flush. Until it doesn’t.
08:45 PM - May 03, 2023
21/22
In the end, his heart failed, according to the coroner. I didn’t know until we cleaned out his apartment, but he’d been taking meds for cholesterol and high blood pressure for almost a decade. Since I don’t have trouble with either yet, it wouldn’t have occurred to me.
08:46 PM - May 03, 2023
22/22
So, there you go, D – your English prodigy sister wrote a requiem for you. You probably would have hated it, but y’know what? I’m cool with that.
08:46 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
Thank you for sharing this honest and loving account of your brother’s life.
02:40 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Janet Howe.
Thank you for reading it - any time I think he would have loved Spoutible, I have to remind myself how much he loved getting into political arguments with people, and I realize he'd have been bored stiff! He loved to argue.
02:42 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
Thank you for sharing this. While I'm sorry you lost him and that he had his struggles, it reads like a life led as well as he knew how. It sounds like he cared about others, sometimes to his own detriment, but he obviously cared a lot. That matters.
02:22 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Bob - Garden is Life.
He mostly did what he wanted to do, the only times I think he was genuinely miserable were times his relationships crashed and burned and he didn't understand why - or the "why" was out of his control. Thanks.
02:33 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
This was a raw, touching tribute - thank you for sharing it. Peace
02:18 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Puckarama.
Thanks - I wondered why I was so uneasy and depressed, this past few days. I think this was a big part of it - watching the calendar. Only saw him on his birthday once during COVID - we usually went down and took him to dinner.
02:34 PM - Sep 20, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss - may his memory be a blessing to you all!
10:14 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
Beautiful tribute. Your did this really well.
09:46 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Claudia Citro.
Thanks - it would only have been more appropriate if I could have made it funny, but it will be a while before I can do that justice, I think.
09:59 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I know losing a brother is difficult and strange at the same time…
I know losing a brother is difficult and strange at the same time…
09:10 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Lucy.
Thanks. Thought he deserved some tribute, I guess, especially since there was nowhere to publish an obituary.
09:10 PM - May 03, 2023
In response to Melinda Nowikowski.
Godspeed, Dennis.
(My twin sisters were both Type 1 DM; both also died alone). It still bothers me; 1 lived 900 miles away, but the other lived 20. May your memories of your brother sustain you in this sad time.
(My twin sisters were both Type 1 DM; both also died alone). It still bothers me; 1 lived 900 miles away, but the other lived 20. May your memories of your brother sustain you in this sad time.
08:59 PM - May 03, 2023
