David Pacheco
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ME: I'm pretty happy with this new knife I got!

[ GUNFIGHT ALARM GOES OFF ]

ME: oh noooo...
03:35 PM - Mar 01, 2024
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David Pacheco
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January was the free trial month for 2024 and I would like to cancel my subscription before my credit card is charged, please and thank you.
04:32 PM - Feb 01, 2024
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David Pacheco
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Well well well, if it isn't my auld acquaintance. I thought I warned you to be forgot and never brought to mind, auld man.
11:17 AM - Dec 19, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Children trick-or-treating are bringing pagan satanic worship to my front door and I will respond to them appropriately.
11:14 PM - Oct 31, 2023
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David Pacheco
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You're never lonely when someone who wants money has your email address.
03:14 PM - Oct 23, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Inside of you there are two wolves.

They are both running, but neither of them have 217 votes to become the next Speaker of the House.
12:01 AM - Oct 21, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Macbeth, presented today by Taco Bell.

WITCHES:
DOUBLE, DOUBLE TOILET TROUBLE
SPHINCTER BURN AND TUMMY BUBBLE
03:45 PM - Oct 20, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Some days feel like I'm going through the TSA rope maze at an abandoned airport.

I'm making progress, but I'm not really going anywhere.
04:20 PM - Oct 16, 2023
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David Pacheco
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KRYPTONIANS GETTING RID OF A REALLY ANNOYING BABY: I dunno, pin a note to his shirt saying the planet exploded or something lol who cares just light that rocket
04:01 PM - Oct 16, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Anyone ever have trouble falling asleep because the song in your brain is playing too loud?

Because I get that ALL. THE. TIME.
03:00 PM - Oct 16, 2023
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David Pacheco
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I’m putting together a playlist for a party I’m throwing to welcome someone to the jungle, but I’ve run out of ideas rather more quickly than I expected.

At least we’ll have fun and games!
11:57 PM - Oct 11, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Happy National Coming Out Day to all those who have, those who haven't yet, and those who never will. Everyone has their own journey, I just wish you the freedom to be the best you that you want to be.
05:45 PM - Oct 11, 2023
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David Pacheco
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I understand celebrating Columbus Day, because once I got lost in a Penzey's and then stole all the money from the cash registers.
05:25 PM - Oct 11, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Hey ChadGPT, write me up a workout routine I can crush reps to, bro. Also make me a hype playlist, plenty of Creed and Nickelback, brah.
01:12 PM - Oct 05, 2023
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David Pacheco
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I bought a baby monitor. It hasn't gone off yet, so I think we're safe.

For now.
10:24 AM - Oct 05, 2023
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David Pacheco
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The people who believe that the emergency broadcast today will enable nanochip particles embedded in the COVID vaccine to zombify their brains are the ones with the least to worry about.
10:33 AM - Oct 04, 2023
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David Pacheco
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[ THERAPIST WAITING ROOM ]

Receptionist: Mr. Pagliacci?

Patient 1: I am Pagliacci.

Patient 2: *I* am Pagliacci.

Patient 3, 4, 5: No, *I* am Pagliacci!

Pagliacci: "Guys, please... please stop. I need this..."
04:14 PM - Oct 03, 2023
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David Pacheco
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"More like an IN-convenience store, am I right?, hahah!" I say while trying to wrestle the Chex-Mix away from a wolverine.

I don't know why I keep shopping here.
04:12 PM - Oct 03, 2023
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David Pacheco
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"I mean, what are we even *doing* here, you know?" I say flirtatiously, batting my eyelids, nervously biting one of my fingernails.

"This is processing. I'm taking your fingerprints" she responds, stony-faced. "Please stop chewing."

Total meet-cute rom-com vibes here.
04:10 PM - Oct 03, 2023
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David Pacheco
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I am so rich that I could give away half of my wealth every year and never, ever run out.
03:53 PM - Oct 02, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Insanity is declaring that if you do the same thing over and over again you will have the same results every single time, which is just simply, categorically untrue.
06:53 PM - Oct 01, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Ten years ago, the idea of me climbing Mt Everest seemed nothing more than an impossible dream.

And yet today, thanks to the amazing and persistent influence of my friends, family and coworkers, I have given up on all my dreams.

Back to work, drones.
04:32 PM - Oct 01, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Two years ago, you would never have pictured me training for (let alone actually running!) a full marathon.

Today, the Twin Cities Marathon was cancelled due to the heat, completely justifying my decision to never train.
04:31 PM - Oct 01, 2023
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David Pacheco
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At the beginning of the month, a good idea is to be intentional about yr goals for the upcoming month, so in 30 days you can realize u forgot to write them down in the expensive courage journal you bought and left behind at the coffee shop where you were drowning yr self-esteem issues in croissants
04:31 PM - Oct 01, 2023
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David Pacheco
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According to reputable pollsters, if the election were held today it would take a lot of people by surprise.
04:28 PM - Oct 01, 2023
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David Pacheco
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It's National Coffee Day today! Did everyone remember to leave out an Americano and some biscotti for Old St. Nicaffeine?
10:37 AM - Sep 29, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Today is "National Coffee Day", which is composed of "Don't Talk To Me Or You Die Dawn" and "Sudden Urge to Poop Mid-Morning" and "Crashing Hard Afternoon"
10:34 AM - Sep 29, 2023
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David Pacheco
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Night Ranger's "(You Can Still) Rock in America" is a perfect 80's power rock song.

Kick-ass intro guitar growl, bangin' (two) guitar solos, perfect little riff, crisp outro and the absolute *dumbest* lyrics ever.

10/10, no notes.
11:03 AM - Sep 28, 2023
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David Pacheco
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The unspoken reality is that the early bird gets the EARLY worm. That worm tastes like crap, all stringy and tough.

The LATE worm, the one that's slow and marbled with fat... THAT'S the worm you want.

Sleep in.
04:02 PM - Sep 26, 2023
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David Pacheco
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"95% of NFTs are worthless!"

Same, honestly.
02:12 PM - Sep 22, 2023
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